The Great Office Thermostat War

 

At PsychotiCorp, we recognize that maintaining a comfortable office temperature is impossible because everyone defines "comfortable" differently.

For this reason, the Facilities Department has adopted our revolutionary climate-control system.

During the summer, the building's air conditioning will be set to approximately 62 degrees. Employees who find this uncomfortable are encouraged to use the small space heaters conveniently located beneath their desks.

Yes, we understand the apparent inefficiency of paying to cool an entire building while simultaneously paying for employees to heat individual portions of that same building.

We prefer not to think about it.

During the winter, the situation is reversed. The heat will inevitably be raised to a temperature comparable to the surface of the sun. Employees who become overheated may place small fans on their desks and point them directly at their faces.

This innovative approach allows PsychotiCorp to simultaneously heat and cool the same building throughout the entire year.

We call this Climate Optimization.

Accounting calls it something else.

It also allows employees sitting only a few feet apart to experience entirely different seasons. One employee may be sitting at a desk wearing a sweater while warming their feet with a space heater, while another employee three cubicles away is sweating profusely in front of a desk fan.

Unfortunately, disagreements occasionally arise.

Recently, two PsychotiCorp employees became involved in a heated disagreement regarding the office temperature. What began as a dispute over the thermostat quickly escalated beyond the traditional passive-aggressive comments, exaggerated sighs, and secretly changing the temperature when the other person wasn't looking.

The two employees eventually came to blows.

One employee is now missing several teeth.

Human Resources would therefore like to remind everyone that physical altercations are not an approved method of resolving climate-control disagreements.

Please refrain from punching coworkers simply because they adjusted the thermostat by two degrees.

There are also important financial considerations involved.

Blood stains are extremely difficult to remove from the cheap, bargain-basement carpet remnants that we patched together to cover the office floors.

Some of those carpet pieces aren't even the same color.

Replacing them would exceed this quarter's Facilities budget, so we kindly ask employees to keep all bleeding to a minimum while on company property.

If you absolutely must engage in a physical altercation with a coworker, please take it outside.

The landscaping is already dead anyway.

Finally, employees are reminded that thermostat adjustments may only be performed by authorized personnel.

Authorized personnel will carefully evaluate your complaint, adjust the thermostat accordingly, receive a complaint from someone else approximately five minutes later, and immediately change it back.

Thank you for your cooperation as we continue our mission of providing a workplace where everyone has an equal opportunity to be uncomfortable.

PsychotiCorp — Putting the "human" back into Human Resources whenever financially convenient.