An Official PsychotiCorp Productivity Enhancement Guide
At PsychotiCorp, we understand that appearing productive is often just as important as being productive. To help our employees maintain the illusion of efficiency, we have developed the following proven techniques.
1. Walk Quickly Everywhere
Never stroll. Always move as if you're late for a critical meeting. Bonus points for carrying a clipboard or stack of papers.
2. Stare Intensely at Your Monitor
Occasionally nod. Frown slightly. Whatever is on the screen is nobody's business.
3. Use Important-Sounding Phrases
Try:
- "I'm still waiting on deliverables."
- "We're evaluating strategic options."
- "Let's circle back on that."
- "We're leveraging synergies."
Nobody knows what these mean, but they sound impressive.
4. Keep Multiple Browser Tabs Open
The more tabs you have, the more productive you appear. Actual work is optional.
5. Schedule Meetings
A one-hour meeting instantly creates the appearance of one hour of productivity.
6. Carry a Notebook Everywhere
Occasionally write something down. It doesn't matter what.
7. Send Emails Late in the Day
This creates the illusion that you've been working tirelessly right up until quitting time.
8. Frequently Say "I'm Swamped"
Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. Repetition creates credibility.
9. Master the Concerned Expression
Look mildly worried at all times. People assume you're dealing with important problems.
10. Ask for Status Updates
Nothing says productivity like asking other people what they're doing.
Conclusion
By following these simple techniques, you too can achieve the PsychotiCorp Gold Standard of Visible Productivity™ without the unnecessary burden of measurable results.
Disclaimer: Employees who accidentally accomplish actual work while following these procedures should report the incident to Human Resources immediately.
— Dr. Psychotic
Beloved CEO, PsychotiCorp
Innovations in Lunacy.
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