Why Employee Morale Is a Dangerous Distraction

Employee morale is often presented as something every successful company should strive to improve. Management experts claim that happy employees are more productive, more loyal and more willing to contribute to the success of the organization.

That may sound good on paper, but these so-called experts often overlook the grave danger that comes with a happy workforce: happy employees may begin expecting reasonable treatment.

At PsychotiCorp, we believe expectations are dangerous—especially when employees have them.

Happiness Creates Expectations

The first problem with improving employee morale is that employees may expect management to keep them happy. Once workers become accustomed to being treated well, they may assume that respectful treatment will continue indefinitely.

That places an unfair burden on management. Suddenly, supervisors must think before they speak. They may even be expected to listen to employee concerns and respond without becoming defensive or assigning blame.

This is an unreasonable amount of effort to devote to people who are already being compensated with the privilege of having a job.

Appreciation May Lead to Financial Demands

Employee appreciation is especially risky. A simple compliment may cause a worker to believe that his or her contribution has genuine value. Once that happens, the employee may start asking uncomfortable questions about raises, bonuses or promotions.

This is why PsychotiCorp prefers to reward hard work with more work. It recognizes the employee’s reliability without creating unnecessary expenses.

If an employee completes a difficult assignment ahead of schedule, management can immediately provide another difficult assignment. This keeps the employee too busy to calculate how much additional work is being performed for the same amount of money.

Comfortable Employees May Start Expressing Opinions

Low morale has one important advantage: it encourages silence.

Employees who feel comfortable in the workplace may begin expressing ideas, making suggestions or pointing out problems. Some of them may even question management decisions before those decisions have had sufficient time to become disasters.

This can be extremely disruptive. Management must then choose between listening to the employee and pretending the conversation never happened. Both options consume valuable time that could have been spent planning another meeting.

Team Building Encourages Dangerous Communication

Many companies organize team-building activities to improve cooperation. PsychotiCorp considers this practice highly irresponsible.

When employees communicate with one another, they may discover that they share the same complaints. A worker who assumed he was the only underpaid, overworked and unappreciated employee may learn that the entire department feels exactly the same way.

This creates unity, and unity makes employees much more difficult to ignore individually.

For this reason, PsychotiCorp encourages workers to remain isolated, suspicious and mildly resentful of one another. Employees who blame their coworkers are less likely to notice that management created the problem.

Better Working Conditions Make Future Cuts More Noticeable

Improving working conditions may provide a temporary increase in morale, but it also establishes a dangerous standard. If employees become accustomed to adequate staffing, functioning equipment and reasonable workloads, they will notice when those things are later removed to reduce costs.

It is much safer to keep conditions consistently disappointing. Employees cannot complain that things have gotten worse if they were never particularly good to begin with.

Consistency is very important to us.

Respect Can Become Habit-Forming

Respect is another workplace benefit that must be distributed carefully. If employees receive too much of it, they may become less afraid of management. They might speak honestly during meetings, refuse unreasonable demands or remind supervisors of promises that were never intended to be remembered.

Even worse, respectful treatment can become habit-forming. Once employees experience it, they may want it every day.

PsychotiCorp therefore recommends occasional, carefully rationed acts of courtesy. This provides management with examples to mention whenever employees claim they are never treated well.

High Morale Could Attract More Applicants

Some experts argue that satisfied employees help attract talented applicants. This may be true, but it creates another problem: Human Resources would receive more résumés to ignore.

It could also result in highly qualified people joining the company. Those people may recognize inefficient procedures, outdated policies and obvious management mistakes. They could then suggest improvements, creating still more work for the executives responsible for rejecting them.

The PsychotiCorp Morale Standard

PsychotiCorp does not believe employee morale should be completely eliminated. Employees need just enough hope to arrive at work tomorrow.

The ideal morale level is high enough to prevent mass resignations but low enough to discourage expectations. Workers should believe that conditions may eventually improve, while management remains careful never to specify when.

This delicate balance allows a company to retain its employees without spoiling them with happiness, appreciation or dignity.

At PsychotiCorp, we believe happy employees are dangerous employees. A miserable employee knows better than to expect anything.

Dr Psychotic
Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader  

Management Has Monetized the Rumor Mill

 

At PsychotiCorp, we have always recognized that communication is essential to a successful workplace. Employees need timely information about company decisions, departmental changes, management scandals, suspicious promotions, secret relationships, and which coworker may be escorted from the building before lunchtime.

Unfortunately, much of this valuable information has traditionally circulated without producing any revenue for the company.

Employees gather near break-room tables, whisper beside the copier, exchange private messages, and hold emergency conferences in the parking lot. During these unauthorized discussions, rumors are created, modified, distributed, and occasionally supported by facts.

PsychotiCorp cannot continue allowing a profitable company resource to be exchanged freely.

That is why we are proud to introduce the PsychotiCorp Corporate Rumor Subscription Service. From this point forward, all workplace gossip will be collected, categorized, monetized, and distributed through official company channels.

The rumor mill is now company property.

Why the Old Rumor System Had to Change

The traditional rumor mill was inefficient and poorly managed.

One employee might hear that the company was planning layoffs. Another might hear that the company was being sold. A third might hear that Dr Psychotic was constructing an underground executive bunker stocked with canned meat and replacement accountants.

These employees would then spread the information without confirming it, documenting it, or giving management an opportunity to charge for it.

Even worse, some employees received important rumors before their supervisors did. This created an unacceptable situation in which workers occasionally knew what was happening inside the company.

Management has determined that greater control is necessary.

The new subscription service will ensure that rumors are distributed according to an employee’s position, salary, subscription level, and demonstrated willingness to believe anything printed on official company stationery.

Select the Rumor Plan That Is Right for You

PsychotiCorp understands that every employee has different informational needs. We have therefore created several affordable subscription plans.

The Basic Rumor Plan

The Basic Plan provides access to general rumors about other employees.

Subscribers may receive information concerning:

• Who arrived late
• Who left early
• Who may be looking for another job
• Who ate someone else’s lunch
• Who cried in the supply closet
• Who has been called into Human Resources
• Who management has suddenly begun treating politely

The Basic Plan does not include explanations, evidence, context, or information that could interfere with an entertaining misunderstanding.

The Premium Rumor Plan

Premium subscribers receive everything included in the Basic Plan, plus rumors concerning supervisors and middle management.

Possible topics include:

• Upcoming departmental reorganizations
• Unexplained promotions
• Secret management meetings
• Executives blaming one another
• Managers pretending to understand new technology
• Budget problems that officially do not exist
• Reasons your supervisor has started removing personal items from his office

Premium rumors are delivered at least fifteen minutes before management issues a statement denying them.

The Executive Rumor Plan

The Executive Plan allows employees to hear rumors about themselves before everyone else does.

This gives subscribers a brief opportunity to prepare explanations, destroy evidence, update résumés, or begin spreading a more favorable version of the story.

PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that subscribers will hear every rumor about themselves. Certain information may be withheld if management believes the employee’s panic would provide greater entertainment when experienced without warning.

The Enterprise Rumor Plan

The Enterprise Plan is intended for department heads, executives, and other individuals who need to manufacture and distribute their own rumors.

Subscribers can create customized stories about:

• Imminent promotions
• Fictional job offers from competing companies
• Record-breaking departmental performance
• Personal friendships with Dr Psychotic
• Upcoming projects that do not exist
• Major clients who have never heard of PsychotiCorp

For an additional fee, management will repeat the rumor during a meeting, giving it the appearance of official support without accepting responsibility for its accuracy.

Accuracy Is Available as a Paid Upgrade

Some employees have asked whether the rumors distributed through the new service will be true.

PsychotiCorp considers this an unreasonable demand.

Researching facts requires time, labor, and employees capable of distinguishing reality from a management presentation. Providing accurate information would significantly increase operating costs.

For this reason, accuracy is available only through the optional Truth Enhancement Package.

Customers who purchase this upgrade will receive a small symbol beside any rumor that may contain a recognizable fragment of reality. PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that the truthful fragment concerns the person, event, department, or company identified in the rumor.

Employees who decline the upgrade will continue receiving the more affordable version of events.

Unauthorized Gossip Is Now Prohibited

Because PsychotiCorp has entered the professional rumor market, employees may no longer create or distribute competing gossip during company time.

Unauthorized statements such as “I heard,” “Someone told me,” and “You didn’t hear this from me” must be reported to the Corporate Rumor Compliance Department.

Employees caught spreading unlicensed gossip may be charged with:

• Theft of company information
• Operating an unauthorized communications network
• Interfering with official misinformation
• Reducing the commercial value of a premium rumor
• Knowing something before management was prepared to admit it

This policy also applies to facial expressions. Raising an eyebrow, exchanging a meaningful glance, or looking toward an executive’s office when security arrives may constitute unlicensed rumor distribution.

Employees should maintain a neutral expression until management releases an approved emotional response.

Management Will Collect Rumors About You for Free

PsychotiCorp believes information should flow in both directions—as long as one direction leads directly to management.

All employees will therefore be automatically enrolled in our complimentary Rumor Contribution Program.

Under this program, management may collect stories about your attendance, attitude, conversations, friendships, lunch habits, Internet searches, facial expressions, and suspicious unwillingness to participate in voluntary events.

Participation is mandatory and requires no action on your part. Your coworkers will provide most of the necessary material.

Employees are encouraged to report one another frequently. Every submitted rumor earns points that may eventually be exchanged for rewards. Available rewards include a PsychotiCorp pen, a five-minute restroom extension, or the name of the coworker who has been submitting rumors about you.

The final reward requires approximately eight years of continuous reporting.

Rumors May Be Sponsored

To generate additional revenue, selected rumors will include paid corporate sponsorships.

For example:

“Carl may be transferred to the basement—brought to you by PsychotiCorp Industrial Lighting, illuminating workspaces management prefers not to visit.”

Employees may also hear:

“Clyde is expected to recover from his latest workplace injury, thanks to the PsychotiCorp Employee Wellness Program, which has determined that he remains technically alive.”

Sponsored rumors allow PsychotiCorp to keep subscription prices affordable while creating exciting opportunities to advertise products during moments of fear, embarrassment, and professional uncertainty.

Employees may remove advertisements by purchasing the Ad-Free Anxiety Package.

Correcting False Rumors

PsychotiCorp takes misinformation seriously, particularly when it harms management.

If a rumor about an executive is proven false, it will be removed immediately, and everyone who repeated it will be disciplined.

If a rumor about an ordinary employee is proven false, it will remain available as part of our historical entertainment archive.

Employees may submit a correction request to the Corporate Rumor Review Board. Most requests will receive a decision within six to eight fiscal years.

Please remember that submitting a correction may draw additional attention to the original rumor. PsychotiCorp recommends that employees carefully consider whether defending themselves is worth reminding everyone of what they supposedly did.

A More Efficient Future for Workplace Gossip

The Corporate Rumor Subscription Service represents an important step forward for PsychotiCorp.

For too long, employees have exchanged gossip without structure, supervision, quality control, or monthly fees. The new system brings workplace rumors into the modern corporate economy.

Employees will still experience suspicion, confusion, embarrassment, and distrust. The difference is that these experiences will now produce measurable quarterly revenue.

Management looks forward to providing you with the rumors you need, the rumors you fear, and the rumors we created to observe how you react.

Remember: if you have not heard any rumors about yourself lately, it does not mean people have stopped talking.

It may simply mean you need to upgrade your subscription.

Dr Psychotic – Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader

PsychotiCorp Introduces Performance-Based Restroom Access

 

OFFICIAL PSYCHOTICORP COMPANY MEMO

PsychotiCorp is pleased to announce the introduction of our new Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.

Management recently discovered that employees spend several minutes every day visiting the restroom without producing anything of measurable financial value for the company.

When these minutes are multiplied by hundreds of employees over an entire year, the loss becomes unacceptable. PsychotiCorp could be losing dozens of hours that might otherwise be devoted to manufacturing defective widgets, completing unnecessary reports, or attending meetings about improving productivity.

Effective immediately, restroom access will no longer be treated as an automatic employee privilege.

It must be earned.

Earning Restroom Credits

Employees will receive one restroom credit after exceeding their daily productivity quota by 20 percent.

Each credit permits one restroom visit lasting no longer than three minutes. Travel time to and from the restroom is included.

Employees who require more time should improve their productivity before experiencing the need.

Restroom credits cannot be borrowed, transferred, inherited, or carried over into the following workday. Any unused credits will expire at midnight because PsychotiCorp refuses to recognize accumulated biological obligations.

Employees may earn additional credits by:

• Working through lunch
• Arriving before their scheduled shift
• Remaining after their scheduled shift
• Completing the work of absent coworkers
• Reporting coworkers who take unauthorized restroom breaks
• Purchasing credits through payroll deduction

Management reserves the right to change the value of restroom credits without notice.

Restroom Authorization

Employees must obtain permission from their immediate supervisor before using an earned credit.

The supervisor will determine whether the department can withstand the temporary loss of productivity. Approval may be delayed during busy periods, staff shortages, meetings, emergencies, routine operations, or whenever the supervisor does not feel like completing the paperwork.

Once authorization is granted, the employee will receive a numbered restroom pass.

The pass must remain visible throughout the visit. Employees discovered inside the restroom without proper authorization will be presumed to be stealing company time.

The fact that an employee possesses an unused restroom credit does not guarantee approval. A credit merely provides an opportunity to request permission.

PsychotiCorp believes this distinction is very important.

Emergency Requests

PsychotiCorp understands that emergencies sometimes occur.

Employees experiencing a genuine restroom emergency must complete Form 82-B, Request for Unscheduled Biological Activity, and submit it to Human Resources.

The form requires:

• A description of the emergency
• An explanation of why the emergency was not scheduled in advance
• The employee’s productivity totals for the previous 30 days
• Two witness signatures
• Supervisor approval
• A proposed plan for recovering the lost productivity

Human Resources will review emergency requests within seven to ten business days.

Employees should not interpret an emergency as permission to violate company policy while awaiting a decision.

Restroom Monitoring

To ensure fairness and accountability, PsychotiCorp will install electronic card readers on all restroom doors.

Employees must scan their identification cards when entering and leaving. The system will record the employee’s name, department, entry time, exit time, productivity level, available credits, and history of suspicious hydration.

Motion sensors will also monitor activity inside each restroom.

Management insists that the new system is not an invasion of privacy. PsychotiCorp cannot invade something employees surrendered when they accepted employment.

Anyone exceeding the three-minute limit will receive a written warning and lose two future restroom credits.

After a third violation, the employee will be required to attend an unpaid time-management seminar titled Holding It Together: Personal Discipline in the Modern Workplace.

Unauthorized Hydration

Management has also identified a connection between excessive drinking and declining productivity.

Employees who consume water, coffee, tea, soft drinks, or other liquids during working hours are creating predictable restroom demands.

Effective immediately, all beverages brought into the workplace must be registered with a supervisor. Employees may be asked to explain why hydration is necessary for their assigned duties.

The water fountains will remain available during designated hydration periods from 6:02 to 6:04 a.m. and 8:57 to 8:59 p.m.

Employees whose shifts do not include those times may submit a hydration variance request.

Approval is not guaranteed.

Medical Accommodations

Employees with medical conditions may request additional restroom access by submitting complete medical documentation.

The documentation must include a diagnosis, treatment history, physician’s signature, projected restroom schedule, and a convincing explanation of why the employee’s medical condition should become PsychotiCorp’s problem.

All requests will be evaluated by the company’s medical review specialist, who completed most of an online first-aid course before becoming distracted.

Approved accommodations will remain valid for seven days. Employees must then prove that their condition continues to exist.

Permanent medical conditions must be recertified weekly because circumstances can change and paperwork builds character.

Department Restroom Goals

Each department will receive a monthly restroom-usage target.

Departments that remain below the target will be recognized for their commitment to efficiency. The department with the lowest usage will receive a certificate suitable for displaying near the restroom it was discouraged from using.

Departments that exceed their targets will be placed on a Restroom Productivity Improvement Plan.

Supervisors may respond by reducing access, increasing quotas, removing restroom signs, or relocating the nearest facilities to another building.

This approach encourages employees to regulate one another.

If a coworker takes too long, everyone suffers. PsychotiCorp considers this an excellent way to build teamwork, resentment, and internal surveillance without increasing management expenses.

Break-Time Restroom Use

Employees may use the restroom during scheduled breaks if they have earned the appropriate credit and obtained supervisor authorization.

Please remember that waiting in line counts as part of the employee’s break.

Employees still inside the restroom when their break ends will be considered late returning to work, even if the delay resulted from management allowing 75 employees to use one functioning restroom simultaneously.

Employees are encouraged to plan ahead.

High-Performing Sales Personnel

High-performing salespeople are exempt from all restroom restrictions.

Any salesperson who consistently exceeds sales targets may use the restroom whenever they want, for as long as they want, without earning credits or obtaining permission.

Hell, they can crap on another employee’s desk for all we care—as long as they do it to a low-performing employee.

In that situation, management will classify the incident as a motivational exercise.

The affected employee will be responsible for cleaning the desk, recovering the lost productivity, and reflecting on why their inadequate performance invited such a powerful demonstration of sales excellence.

Human Resources will not accept complaints regarding the behavior of high-performing salespeople. Employees who generate substantial revenue for PsychotiCorp cannot reasonably be expected to follow the same rules as people who merely keep the company operating.

Low-performing salespeople remain subject to the standard restroom restrictions. In fact, their access may be reduced further until they demonstrate that they are capable of producing something the company values.

Management Exemption

Executives, senior managers, supervisors, corporate consultants, and members of Dr. Psychotic’s immediate family are exempt from the Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.

Their responsibilities are too important to be interrupted by unnecessary regulations.

Executive restrooms will remain unrestricted, fully stocked, climate-controlled, and equipped with comfortable seating, premium hand soap, complimentary beverages, and reading material.

Employees should not view this as unequal treatment.

Management has privileges because management earned them by creating policies for everyone else.

Commitment to Employee Wellness

PsychotiCorp remains deeply committed to maintaining a healthy and respectful workplace.

The Performance-Based Restroom Access Program will encourage better time management, greater personal discipline, reduced water consumption, improved productivity, and fewer employees wandering through the hallways without generating revenue.

Management understands that some employees may initially find the program uncomfortable.

That discomfort demonstrates that the program is working.

Employees with questions should consult the complete 146-page Restroom Access Policy Manual. Reading the manual must occur outside working hours and does not qualify employees for an additional restroom credit.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Together, we can eliminate waste in every possible form.

Dr Psychotic
Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader 

PsychotiCorp Announces Its First Annual Mandatory Employee Field Day

 

Greetings, PsychotiCorp Employees!

In our continuing effort to improve morale without increasing wages, PsychotiCorp is proud to announce its First Annual Mandatory Employee Field Day.

This exciting outdoor event will give employees from every department an opportunity to demonstrate their athletic ability, competitive spirit, pain tolerance, and willingness to obey questionable instructions from management.

Participation is mandatory. Enjoyment is optional but will be reflected in your next performance evaluation.

Employees should arrive wearing comfortable athletic clothing, steel-toed shoes, protective eyewear, and whatever improvised body armor they can construct at home without using company property.

The day will feature both individual and team competitions.

The 100-Yard Scissors Dash

Traditional track events have become predictable. Competitors run from one end of a track to the other, and the fastest person wins. Where is the suspense? Where is the danger? Where are the pointed office supplies?

PsychotiCorp has solved this problem with the 100-Yard Scissors Dash.

Each competitor will run while carrying a large pair of scissors with the points facing the abdomen. Unlike schools, parents, and responsible employers, PsychotiCorp will not discourage participants from running with scissors. We will actively encourage it.

Competitors who turn the scissors away from themselves will be penalized for displaying an insufficient commitment to the event.

The first employee to cross the finish line wins—provided the employee is still capable of signing the victory form.

Tug-of-War Over the Sewage Pit

Teams will compete in a traditional tug-of-war, with one important improvement: a pit filled with raw sewage will be located between them.

The losing team will be pulled into the pit, where its members may encounter discarded cafeteria food, unidentified factory runoff, and several former employees who have adapted surprisingly well to their new environment.

The winning team will receive a certificate of achievement and permission to use the employee restroom before returning to work.

Management will wear rain ponchos and observe from a safe distance.

The Executive Javelin Catch

Throwing a javelin is relatively easy. Catching one requires considerably more initiative.

In this event, senior managers will throw sharpened javelins toward employees standing at the opposite end of the field. Employees will attempt to catch them using nothing but their hands, reflexes, and desire to remain eligible for promotion.

Points will be awarded for every successful catch. Additional points may be awarded if the employee catches the javelin without screaming.

Employees who dodge will be accused of avoiding responsibility.

The Flaming Briefcase Relay

Teams must carry a briefcase containing important PsychotiCorp documents around the track while the briefcase is on fire.

Each runner must complete one lap before passing the briefcase to the next teammate. Dropping the briefcase will result in immediate disqualification because those documents are extremely important.

Employees are replaceable. Paperwork is forever.

The winning team will be permitted to keep whatever remains of the briefcase.

The Blindfolded Obstacle Course

Competitors will be blindfolded and directed through an obstacle course by members of the Human Resources Department.

Obstacles will include swinging tires, electrified fences, open manholes, angry geese, and stacks of unsigned liability waivers.

HR representatives will guide employees by shouting vague instructions such as “Go left!” “No, your other left!” and “We strongly recommend that you stop screaming.”

This event is designed to recreate the experience of following PsychotiCorp’s employee handbook.

The Corporate Ladder Climb

Employees will race to the top of a forty-foot ladder covered in industrial grease.

Whenever a competitor gets close to the top, a manager will move the ladder several feet farther away. This will teach employees an important lesson about advancement within the company.

The first person to reach the top will receive a promotion in title only. The additional responsibilities will begin immediately. Compensation will remain unchanged.

The Mandatory Trust Fall

Employees will stand on a raised platform and fall backward while trusting their coworkers to catch them.

However, the coworkers will receive secret instructions to step aside at the last moment.

This exercise will teach employees the dangers of workplace trust and prepare them for future interactions with management.

Padding may be placed beneath the platform if the event’s safety budget is approved. It will not be approved.

The Copier-Toner Sack Race

Employees will climb into oversized sacks formerly used to transport industrial copier toner and race across the field.

The sacks have not been cleaned because cleaning them would unnecessarily increase the event’s operating costs.

Participants may emerge covered in black powder, but management believes this will encourage team spirit by making everyone look equally unemployable.

Anyone experiencing respiratory difficulties should submit Form 87-C to the Department of Recreational Injuries within three business days.

The Hostile Work Environment Dodgeball Tournament

Departments will compete against one another using regulation dodgeballs filled with wet cement.

Standard dodgeball rules will apply, with one exception: employees who are struck will not be eliminated. They must remain in the game so they can be struck repeatedly.

Supervisors may enter the court at any time and throw balls at employees who have recently requested vacation days.

The last department capable of standing will be declared the winner.

The Three-Legged Layoff Race

Two employees will have one leg tied to each other and race toward a table containing a single employment contract.

The first pair to arrive must then decide which member receives the contract and which member is immediately laid off.

This event promotes teamwork, communication, and the understanding that your closest colleague may also be your greatest threat.

Employees who refuse to choose will both be laid off for indecisiveness.

The Performance Review Dunk Tank

Managers will take turns sitting above a large tank of stagnant water while employees throw balls at the release mechanism.

To ensure fairness, employees will be required to throw from 200 yards away while facing backward.

Any employee who successfully dunks a manager will undergo an immediate surprise performance review conducted by that same manager.

Although retaliation is strictly prohibited at PsychotiCorp, coincidence is not.

The Final Event: Last Employee Standing

At the conclusion of the scheduled competitions, all remaining employees will gather in the center of the field.

Management will then release the feral hogs.

The rules will be explained afterward.

The last employee remaining on the field will be named PsychotiCorp Athlete of the Year and receive an attractive plastic trophy, a five-dollar cafeteria voucher, and first choice of shifts on Christmas morning.

Attendance Is Mandatory

The First Annual PsychotiCorp Field Day will provide employees with fresh air, physical exercise, and a renewed appreciation for the relative safety of the factory floor.

Employees who are medically unable to participate must provide written authorization from three physicians, a federal judge, and Dr. Psychotic himself. Requests will be reviewed several weeks after the event.

Family members are welcome to attend as spectators, emergency contacts, or potential replacement employees.

We look forward to seeing everyone there—especially those of you who thought calling in sick would save you.

Remember: at PsychotiCorp, we do not merely build stronger teams.

We determine which members of the team are strong enough to survive.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder, President, Chief Executive Officer,
Supreme Director of Employee Recreation
PsychotiCorp 

 

PsychotiCorp Introduces the Productivity Treadmill Program

 

Greetings, PsychotiCorp employees!

As part of our continuing effort to increase employee productivity while simultaneously reducing expenses, PsychotiCorp is proud to announce the implementation of our new Productivity Treadmill Program.

For years, employees have wasted enormous amounts of physical energy walking, exercising, fidgeting, tapping their feet, and performing other movements that generate absolutely no revenue for the company.

Management has decided this energy should no longer go to waste.

Beginning Monday, conventional desks and chairs will gradually be removed from PsychotiCorp offices and replaced with specially designed Productivity Treadmill Workstations.

Employees will now be able to work while generating electricity for the company.

You're welcome.

Turning Employees Into Renewable Energy

PsychotiCorp has always been committed to protecting the environment whenever doing so saves us money.

Our engineers recently calculated that the average employee possesses a tremendous amount of unused energy.

Employees walk to the cafeteria.

They walk to the restroom.

They walk to their cars.

Some employees even exercise recreationally after work.

Management was horrified.

Imagine voluntarily expending energy without allowing PsychotiCorp to monetize it.

The Productivity Treadmill Program solves this problem.

Each workstation will include a treadmill connected to an electrical generator. Employees will walk while answering emails, completing spreadsheets, attending virtual meetings, processing paperwork, and performing their normal job responsibilities.

The electricity generated by the treadmill will help power the employee's computer.

Employees will therefore become partially responsible for providing the electricity necessary to perform the work we pay them to perform.

We call this energy accountability.

Minimum Power Requirements

Naturally, merely walking on the treadmill is not enough.

PsychotiCorp has standards.

Every employee will be assigned a minimum daily electricity-production quota based on age, weight, physical condition, salary, and how much management personally likes them.

Employees who exceed their quotas will receive a congratulatory email.

Employees who fail to meet their quotas will receive a motivational electrical shock through the treadmill's handrails.

Our engineers assure us that this should dramatically improve performance.

Eventually.

Employees who repeatedly fail to generate sufficient electricity may have their computers shut down.

They will then be disciplined for failing to complete their work.

The New Performance Dashboard

Every treadmill will transmit performance data directly to management.

Supervisors will be able to monitor employee speed, distance traveled, calories burned, electricity generated, bathroom breaks, heart rate, and number of times the employee quietly mutters, "I hate this place."

Large television monitors throughout the factory will display employee rankings.

The highest-producing employees will appear under the heading:

ENERGY LEADERS

The lowest-producing employees will appear under:

WHY ARE WE STILL PAYING THESE PEOPLE?

Management believes public humiliation will provide additional motivation at no additional cost.

Meetings Will Now Be More Productive

Employees participating in meetings will continue walking throughout the meeting.

This provides several advantages.

First, the meeting will generate electricity.

Second, employees will be less likely to fall asleep during presentations.

Third, managers will finally have a legitimate reason to say:

"Let's keep this meeting moving."

Executive meetings will not use treadmills.

Executives require chairs because thinking is physically exhausting.

The Emergency Sprint Protocol

During periods of unusually high electricity demand, an alarm will sound throughout the building.

Employees must immediately increase their treadmill speed.

The announcement system will provide encouragement:

"POWER DEMAND CRITICAL. BEGIN SPRINTING."

Employees who are already sprinting should sprint harder.

Employees experiencing chest pain are reminded that the employee handbook specifically prohibits personal medical emergencies during peak electrical demand.

If an employee collapses, the treadmill will automatically increase its incline so the employee rolls backward into the designated recovery area.

A replacement employee will then take their place.

PsychotiCorp believes strongly in continuity of operations.

Going Green

Management is particularly excited about the environmental benefits of the program.

PsychotiCorp will soon be able to advertise itself as a company partially powered by renewable energy.

We considered solar panels.

We considered wind turbines.

We considered geothermal energy.

Then we realized employees already show up every morning.

Why purchase expensive renewable-energy equipment when we already have hundreds of renewable employees?

Employees who quit can easily be replaced.

The sun cannot offer that kind of reliability.

Expansion Into the Factory

If the office treadmill program succeeds, similar technology will be introduced throughout the widget factory.

Factory employees may soon operate machinery using stationary bicycles.

Warehouse employees will recharge forklifts by using rowing machines.

Employees in Accounting will be connected to small hand-cranked generators beneath their desks.

Human Resources will remain powered entirely by the suffering of others.

Our long-term goal is to make PsychotiCorp the world's first corporation capable of operating entirely on employee exhaustion.

An Exciting New Benefit

Some employees have asked whether participation in the Productivity Treadmill Program will result in additional compensation.

No.

However, management has generously decided to classify the program as an employee wellness benefit.

This means PsychotiCorp can now advertise that employees receive several hours of company-sponsored exercise every day.

Gym memberships will therefore be removed from the employee benefits package.

This change will save the company approximately $47,000 annually.

Management bonuses will be adjusted accordingly.

Remember: Every Step Counts

PsychotiCorp understands that change can be difficult.

Some employees may initially resist the Productivity Treadmill Program.

Others may complain that they cannot concentrate while walking eight hours per day.

A few will undoubtedly raise unnecessary questions about labor laws, workplace safety, electrical codes, or basic human dignity.

We encourage these employees to remember one important fact:

Every step you take brings PsychotiCorp closer to its quarterly earnings target.

And isn't that what physical fitness is really about?

So lace up your shoes, grab your laptop, and prepare to start walking.

The future of renewable energy is here.

And apparently, it's you.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder, President, CEO, Supreme Commander & Director of Employee Energy Extraction
PsychotiCorp

  

PsychotiCorp Introduces the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program

 

At PsychotiCorp, we believe trust is an important part of any successful workplace.

Unfortunately, trust requires trusting people.

We felt this created an unacceptable level of risk.

That's why PsychotiCorp is proud to introduce our new Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program, an exciting company-wide initiative that rewards employees for keeping a close eye on their coworkers.

Because the best way to build a culture of trust is to make sure nobody trusts anybody.

Loyalty Should Be Rewarded

For years, employees have reported suspicious behavior by their coworkers without receiving anything in return.

We considered this unfair.

If an employee takes valuable company time to report that Steve spent eleven minutes in the restroom, shouldn't that employee receive something for the effort?

Of course.

Under the new program, employees receive PsychotiPoints™ every time they submit a report about potentially suspicious coworker activity.

Examples of reportable behavior include:

• Arriving three minutes late
• Leaving two minutes early
• Taking suspiciously long bathroom breaks
• Whispering
• Looking unusually happy on a Monday
• Looking unusually unhappy on a Friday
• Closing a browser window when someone walks past
• Receiving personal phone calls
• Asking too many questions
• Asking too few questions
• Looking at the clock
• Not looking at the clock
• Spending excessive time near the vending machines
• Possessing unexplained snacks

Employees are encouraged to report anything that seems unusual.

Since we have not defined what "unusual" means, this gives employees considerable flexibility.

Earn Exciting Rewards

PsychotiPoints™ can be redeemed for a variety of exciting workplace rewards.

At 100 points, employees receive a PsychotiCorp pen.

At 500 points, they receive permission to leave five minutes early on one Friday.

At 1,000 points, they receive a certificate identifying them as a Trusted Corporate Informant – Bronze Level.

Silver and Gold levels are also available, although reaching those levels will require reporting significantly more coworkers.

Employees reaching Platinum status receive access to the executive restroom for one supervised visit.

We anticipate fierce competition.

The Program Was an Immediate Success

Within the first week, reports increased by 4,700 percent.

Management was thrilled.

Unfortunately, productivity decreased by 63 percent because employees were spending most of the workday watching each other.

Several employees began following coworkers into hallways to document unauthorized conversations.

Others maintained detailed spreadsheets tracking bathroom visits.

One employee installed binoculars at his desk.

We initially considered this excessive.

Then he reported six people before lunch.

He is currently leading the Platinum division.

Then Employees Started Reporting the Informants

We soon encountered an unexpected problem.

Employees began reporting coworkers for spending too much company time reporting coworkers.

This created a difficult situation.

Should an employee receive PsychotiPoints™ for reporting another employee who was attempting to earn PsychotiPoints™?

After three emergency management meetings, two conference calls and a 74-page consultant report, we decided the answer was yes.

This caused reporting activity to increase even further.

Employees began reporting people who reported people for reporting other people.

Eventually, nobody could remember who had originally done anything wrong.

Fortunately, that was never really the point.

Management Became Involved

The program reached a new level when employees began reporting supervisors.

Supervisors responded by reporting the employees who reported them.

Employees then reported the supervisors for retaliatory reporting.

Supervisors reported those reports as fraudulent reports.

Human Resources became overwhelmed.

So HR began reporting employees for submitting too many reports.

Employees responded by reporting HR for failing to properly process their reports.

Eventually HR reported itself.

That report is still under investigation.

Even Executives Are Participating

Our executives initially believed they would be exempt from the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program.

That changed when one executive noticed another executive taking the last donut from the conference room.

A report was immediately filed.

Within 48 hours, the entire executive floor had descended into paranoia.

Executives began documenting one another's arrival times, lunch expenses, golf outings and unexplained absences.

One vice president accumulated 12,000 PsychotiPoints™ in a single afternoon.

Unfortunately, most of his reports involved the CEO.

He is no longer with the company.

His points have been forfeited.

Trust Has Never Been Higher

Some critics have suggested the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program has created an atmosphere of suspicion, paranoia and fear.

We disagree.

Employees are communicating with management more than ever.

Admittedly, most of that communication consists of accusations.

But communication is communication.

Employees are also paying considerably more attention to their coworkers.

They know when coworkers arrive.

They know when coworkers leave.

They know what coworkers eat.

They know how frequently coworkers use the restroom.

Some employees know things about their coworkers that their coworkers don't know about themselves.

That's teamwork.

Everyone Is Watching Everyone

Today, virtually every PsychotiCorp employee participates in the program.

Nobody wants to risk being the only person who isn't reporting someone.

After all, refusing to participate could indicate that an employee has something to hide.

And naturally, failing to report suspicious behavior is itself suspicious behavior.

So keep watching your coworkers.

Keep documenting unusual activity.

Keep submitting those reports.

And remember:

At PsychotiCorp, you don't have to wonder whether someone is watching you.

They are.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder and CEO of PsychotiCorp, Visionary Industrialist, Management Genius, and Architect of a Better Corporate Civilization

Employee Morale Initiative #473: Workplace Cage Matches

 

Here at PsychotiCorp, we understand that workplace disagreements are inevitable. Employees argue over who left the break room a disaster, whose turn it was to refill the coffee, who failed to reply to an email, and who insists on scheduling meetings that should have been a two-sentence conversation.

Traditional companies waste valuable time with mediation, conflict resolution seminars, and human resources interventions.

We believe there is a better way.

Beginning immediately, all significant workplace disputes will be settled inside the official PsychotiCorp Employee Conflict Resolution Cage™.

Employees who simply cannot get along will have the opportunity to enter our state-of-the-art steel cage and beat the living hell out of each other under the watchful eyes of management. Rather than allowing resentment to simmer for months, participants can resolve their differences in a matter of minutes while providing quality entertainment for both coworkers and paying audiences around the world.

Because we believe in fairly compensating our employees, all participants will receive double their normal hourly wage while inside the cage.

Naturally, compensation is based entirely upon how long they remain in the match.

This creates a healthy financial incentive to avoid ending the fight too quickly. Employees who immediately knock out their opponent may discover they have sacrificed valuable overtime opportunities. By pacing themselves and extending the contest, they can maximize both their earnings and the entertainment value for our loyal Pay-Per-View customers.

It's what we proudly refer to as a win-win employment model.

The matches will be professionally broadcast on Pay-Per-View, with premium subscription packages available for employees wishing to watch coworkers settle long-standing office feuds. We also plan to introduce betting pools for senior management so they can remain emotionally invested in employee development.

Several championship titles are currently being developed, including:

• Break Room Brawler Champion
• Cubicle Combat Champion
• Accounting Annihilator
• Customer Service Cage King
• Human Resources Heavyweight

Employees who repeatedly find themselves involved in disputes may eventually qualify for seasonal tournaments, culminating in our annual PsychotiCorp Corporate Carnage Championship, where one fortunate employee will earn the prestigious Golden Stapler Trophy and several weeks of medically supervised recovery.

Early projections suggest this initiative will significantly reduce passive-aggressive emails, anonymous complaints, and lengthy meetings devoted to "working through our differences." Employees will instead save their energy for the cage, where opinions can be expressed with considerably greater enthusiasm.

Naturally, our Legal Department has expressed a few minor concerns. We have reassured them that they are free to settle those concerns in the cage with anyone who disagrees.

At PsychotiCorp, we don't just resolve workplace conflict.

We monetize it.

Dr Psychotic
CEO of PsychotiCorp