PsychotiCorp Introduces the Productivity Treadmill Program

 

Greetings, PsychotiCorp employees!

As part of our continuing effort to increase employee productivity while simultaneously reducing expenses, PsychotiCorp is proud to announce the implementation of our new Productivity Treadmill Program.

For years, employees have wasted enormous amounts of physical energy walking, exercising, fidgeting, tapping their feet, and performing other movements that generate absolutely no revenue for the company.

Management has decided this energy should no longer go to waste.

Beginning Monday, conventional desks and chairs will gradually be removed from PsychotiCorp offices and replaced with specially designed Productivity Treadmill Workstations.

Employees will now be able to work while generating electricity for the company.

You're welcome.

Turning Employees Into Renewable Energy

PsychotiCorp has always been committed to protecting the environment whenever doing so saves us money.

Our engineers recently calculated that the average employee possesses a tremendous amount of unused energy.

Employees walk to the cafeteria.

They walk to the restroom.

They walk to their cars.

Some employees even exercise recreationally after work.

Management was horrified.

Imagine voluntarily expending energy without allowing PsychotiCorp to monetize it.

The Productivity Treadmill Program solves this problem.

Each workstation will include a treadmill connected to an electrical generator. Employees will walk while answering emails, completing spreadsheets, attending virtual meetings, processing paperwork, and performing their normal job responsibilities.

The electricity generated by the treadmill will help power the employee's computer.

Employees will therefore become partially responsible for providing the electricity necessary to perform the work we pay them to perform.

We call this energy accountability.

Minimum Power Requirements

Naturally, merely walking on the treadmill is not enough.

PsychotiCorp has standards.

Every employee will be assigned a minimum daily electricity-production quota based on age, weight, physical condition, salary, and how much management personally likes them.

Employees who exceed their quotas will receive a congratulatory email.

Employees who fail to meet their quotas will receive a motivational electrical shock through the treadmill's handrails.

Our engineers assure us that this should dramatically improve performance.

Eventually.

Employees who repeatedly fail to generate sufficient electricity may have their computers shut down.

They will then be disciplined for failing to complete their work.

The New Performance Dashboard

Every treadmill will transmit performance data directly to management.

Supervisors will be able to monitor employee speed, distance traveled, calories burned, electricity generated, bathroom breaks, heart rate, and number of times the employee quietly mutters, "I hate this place."

Large television monitors throughout the factory will display employee rankings.

The highest-producing employees will appear under the heading:

ENERGY LEADERS

The lowest-producing employees will appear under:

WHY ARE WE STILL PAYING THESE PEOPLE?

Management believes public humiliation will provide additional motivation at no additional cost.

Meetings Will Now Be More Productive

Employees participating in meetings will continue walking throughout the meeting.

This provides several advantages.

First, the meeting will generate electricity.

Second, employees will be less likely to fall asleep during presentations.

Third, managers will finally have a legitimate reason to say:

"Let's keep this meeting moving."

Executive meetings will not use treadmills.

Executives require chairs because thinking is physically exhausting.

The Emergency Sprint Protocol

During periods of unusually high electricity demand, an alarm will sound throughout the building.

Employees must immediately increase their treadmill speed.

The announcement system will provide encouragement:

"POWER DEMAND CRITICAL. BEGIN SPRINTING."

Employees who are already sprinting should sprint harder.

Employees experiencing chest pain are reminded that the employee handbook specifically prohibits personal medical emergencies during peak electrical demand.

If an employee collapses, the treadmill will automatically increase its incline so the employee rolls backward into the designated recovery area.

A replacement employee will then take their place.

PsychotiCorp believes strongly in continuity of operations.

Going Green

Management is particularly excited about the environmental benefits of the program.

PsychotiCorp will soon be able to advertise itself as a company partially powered by renewable energy.

We considered solar panels.

We considered wind turbines.

We considered geothermal energy.

Then we realized employees already show up every morning.

Why purchase expensive renewable-energy equipment when we already have hundreds of renewable employees?

Employees who quit can easily be replaced.

The sun cannot offer that kind of reliability.

Expansion Into the Factory

If the office treadmill program succeeds, similar technology will be introduced throughout the widget factory.

Factory employees may soon operate machinery using stationary bicycles.

Warehouse employees will recharge forklifts by using rowing machines.

Employees in Accounting will be connected to small hand-cranked generators beneath their desks.

Human Resources will remain powered entirely by the suffering of others.

Our long-term goal is to make PsychotiCorp the world's first corporation capable of operating entirely on employee exhaustion.

An Exciting New Benefit

Some employees have asked whether participation in the Productivity Treadmill Program will result in additional compensation.

No.

However, management has generously decided to classify the program as an employee wellness benefit.

This means PsychotiCorp can now advertise that employees receive several hours of company-sponsored exercise every day.

Gym memberships will therefore be removed from the employee benefits package.

This change will save the company approximately $47,000 annually.

Management bonuses will be adjusted accordingly.

Remember: Every Step Counts

PsychotiCorp understands that change can be difficult.

Some employees may initially resist the Productivity Treadmill Program.

Others may complain that they cannot concentrate while walking eight hours per day.

A few will undoubtedly raise unnecessary questions about labor laws, workplace safety, electrical codes, or basic human dignity.

We encourage these employees to remember one important fact:

Every step you take brings PsychotiCorp closer to its quarterly earnings target.

And isn't that what physical fitness is really about?

So lace up your shoes, grab your laptop, and prepare to start walking.

The future of renewable energy is here.

And apparently, it's you.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder, President, CEO, Supreme Commander & Director of Employee Energy Extraction
PsychotiCorp

  

PsychotiCorp Introduces the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program

 

At PsychotiCorp, we believe trust is an important part of any successful workplace.

Unfortunately, trust requires trusting people.

We felt this created an unacceptable level of risk.

That's why PsychotiCorp is proud to introduce our new Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program, an exciting company-wide initiative that rewards employees for keeping a close eye on their coworkers.

Because the best way to build a culture of trust is to make sure nobody trusts anybody.

Loyalty Should Be Rewarded

For years, employees have reported suspicious behavior by their coworkers without receiving anything in return.

We considered this unfair.

If an employee takes valuable company time to report that Steve spent eleven minutes in the restroom, shouldn't that employee receive something for the effort?

Of course.

Under the new program, employees receive PsychotiPoints™ every time they submit a report about potentially suspicious coworker activity.

Examples of reportable behavior include:

• Arriving three minutes late
• Leaving two minutes early
• Taking suspiciously long bathroom breaks
• Whispering
• Looking unusually happy on a Monday
• Looking unusually unhappy on a Friday
• Closing a browser window when someone walks past
• Receiving personal phone calls
• Asking too many questions
• Asking too few questions
• Looking at the clock
• Not looking at the clock
• Spending excessive time near the vending machines
• Possessing unexplained snacks

Employees are encouraged to report anything that seems unusual.

Since we have not defined what "unusual" means, this gives employees considerable flexibility.

Earn Exciting Rewards

PsychotiPoints™ can be redeemed for a variety of exciting workplace rewards.

At 100 points, employees receive a PsychotiCorp pen.

At 500 points, they receive permission to leave five minutes early on one Friday.

At 1,000 points, they receive a certificate identifying them as a Trusted Corporate Informant – Bronze Level.

Silver and Gold levels are also available, although reaching those levels will require reporting significantly more coworkers.

Employees reaching Platinum status receive access to the executive restroom for one supervised visit.

We anticipate fierce competition.

The Program Was an Immediate Success

Within the first week, reports increased by 4,700 percent.

Management was thrilled.

Unfortunately, productivity decreased by 63 percent because employees were spending most of the workday watching each other.

Several employees began following coworkers into hallways to document unauthorized conversations.

Others maintained detailed spreadsheets tracking bathroom visits.

One employee installed binoculars at his desk.

We initially considered this excessive.

Then he reported six people before lunch.

He is currently leading the Platinum division.

Then Employees Started Reporting the Informants

We soon encountered an unexpected problem.

Employees began reporting coworkers for spending too much company time reporting coworkers.

This created a difficult situation.

Should an employee receive PsychotiPoints™ for reporting another employee who was attempting to earn PsychotiPoints™?

After three emergency management meetings, two conference calls and a 74-page consultant report, we decided the answer was yes.

This caused reporting activity to increase even further.

Employees began reporting people who reported people for reporting other people.

Eventually, nobody could remember who had originally done anything wrong.

Fortunately, that was never really the point.

Management Became Involved

The program reached a new level when employees began reporting supervisors.

Supervisors responded by reporting the employees who reported them.

Employees then reported the supervisors for retaliatory reporting.

Supervisors reported those reports as fraudulent reports.

Human Resources became overwhelmed.

So HR began reporting employees for submitting too many reports.

Employees responded by reporting HR for failing to properly process their reports.

Eventually HR reported itself.

That report is still under investigation.

Even Executives Are Participating

Our executives initially believed they would be exempt from the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program.

That changed when one executive noticed another executive taking the last donut from the conference room.

A report was immediately filed.

Within 48 hours, the entire executive floor had descended into paranoia.

Executives began documenting one another's arrival times, lunch expenses, golf outings and unexplained absences.

One vice president accumulated 12,000 PsychotiPoints™ in a single afternoon.

Unfortunately, most of his reports involved the CEO.

He is no longer with the company.

His points have been forfeited.

Trust Has Never Been Higher

Some critics have suggested the Employee Surveillance Loyalty Program has created an atmosphere of suspicion, paranoia and fear.

We disagree.

Employees are communicating with management more than ever.

Admittedly, most of that communication consists of accusations.

But communication is communication.

Employees are also paying considerably more attention to their coworkers.

They know when coworkers arrive.

They know when coworkers leave.

They know what coworkers eat.

They know how frequently coworkers use the restroom.

Some employees know things about their coworkers that their coworkers don't know about themselves.

That's teamwork.

Everyone Is Watching Everyone

Today, virtually every PsychotiCorp employee participates in the program.

Nobody wants to risk being the only person who isn't reporting someone.

After all, refusing to participate could indicate that an employee has something to hide.

And naturally, failing to report suspicious behavior is itself suspicious behavior.

So keep watching your coworkers.

Keep documenting unusual activity.

Keep submitting those reports.

And remember:

At PsychotiCorp, you don't have to wonder whether someone is watching you.

They are.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder and CEO of PsychotiCorp, Visionary Industrialist, Management Genius, and Architect of a Better Corporate Civilization

Employee Morale Initiative #473: Workplace Cage Matches

 

Here at PsychotiCorp, we understand that workplace disagreements are inevitable. Employees argue over who left the break room a disaster, whose turn it was to refill the coffee, who failed to reply to an email, and who insists on scheduling meetings that should have been a two-sentence conversation.

Traditional companies waste valuable time with mediation, conflict resolution seminars, and human resources interventions.

We believe there is a better way.

Beginning immediately, all significant workplace disputes will be settled inside the official PsychotiCorp Employee Conflict Resolution Cage™.

Employees who simply cannot get along will have the opportunity to enter our state-of-the-art steel cage and beat the living hell out of each other under the watchful eyes of management. Rather than allowing resentment to simmer for months, participants can resolve their differences in a matter of minutes while providing quality entertainment for both coworkers and paying audiences around the world.

Because we believe in fairly compensating our employees, all participants will receive double their normal hourly wage while inside the cage.

Naturally, compensation is based entirely upon how long they remain in the match.

This creates a healthy financial incentive to avoid ending the fight too quickly. Employees who immediately knock out their opponent may discover they have sacrificed valuable overtime opportunities. By pacing themselves and extending the contest, they can maximize both their earnings and the entertainment value for our loyal Pay-Per-View customers.

It's what we proudly refer to as a win-win employment model.

The matches will be professionally broadcast on Pay-Per-View, with premium subscription packages available for employees wishing to watch coworkers settle long-standing office feuds. We also plan to introduce betting pools for senior management so they can remain emotionally invested in employee development.

Several championship titles are currently being developed, including:

• Break Room Brawler Champion
• Cubicle Combat Champion
• Accounting Annihilator
• Customer Service Cage King
• Human Resources Heavyweight

Employees who repeatedly find themselves involved in disputes may eventually qualify for seasonal tournaments, culminating in our annual PsychotiCorp Corporate Carnage Championship, where one fortunate employee will earn the prestigious Golden Stapler Trophy and several weeks of medically supervised recovery.

Early projections suggest this initiative will significantly reduce passive-aggressive emails, anonymous complaints, and lengthy meetings devoted to "working through our differences." Employees will instead save their energy for the cage, where opinions can be expressed with considerably greater enthusiasm.

Naturally, our Legal Department has expressed a few minor concerns. We have reassured them that they are free to settle those concerns in the cage with anyone who disagrees.

At PsychotiCorp, we don't just resolve workplace conflict.

We monetize it.

Dr Psychotic
CEO of PsychotiCorp

  

Employee Morale Initiative #472: Pairing Chronic Complainers Together

 

Here at PsychotiCorp, our Human Resources Department is constantly searching for innovative ways to improve workplace morale while simultaneously spending as little money as possible.

After months of exhaustive research, several committee meetings that accomplished nothing, and one consultant who billed us $48,000 to suggest "better communication," we have finally discovered the perfect solution for employees who constantly complain.

We simply assign the two biggest complainers to work together.

It's efficient.

It's economical.

And, most importantly, it's entertaining.

For years, these employees have generously shared their opinions with everyone around them. They complain about management. They complain about company policies. They complain about coworkers. They complain about the equipment. They complain when it's too hot. They complain when it's too cold. They complain when there isn't enough overtime. Then they complain because there's too much overtime.

Some people possess an incredible gift for finding the dark cloud surrounding every silver lining.

Naturally, we felt this unique talent deserved to be concentrated rather than distributed throughout the department.

Instead of allowing their negativity to spread across the entire workforce like an airborne virus, we simply isolate the source by placing both employees at the same workstation.

Now they can spend the entire day validating each other's misery.

At first, the arrangement works beautifully.

Each employee finally finds someone who seems to understand their daily suffering.

The conversations begin immediately.

"This place is terrible."

"I know."

"The supervisor has no idea what they're doing."

"Exactly."

"The coffee tastes awful."

"It somehow got worse."

For a brief period, everyone appears happy.

Then something remarkable happens.

Eventually, one of them gets tired of listening.

It turns out that people who enjoy complaining don't necessarily enjoy hearing someone else complain all day.

Suddenly, every sentence that once seemed so profound becomes repetitive, exhausting, and irritating.

One starts thinking...

"Does this person ever stop complaining?"

The answer, of course, is no.

Because neither do they.

Soon they're interrupting each other.

Competing to see who has the bigger problem.

Trying to outdo one another with stories of hardship.

Correcting each other's complaints.

Complaining that the other person complains too much.

Eventually they begin avoiding conversations altogether because they simply can't tolerate listening to the exact behavior they've been demonstrating to everyone else for months.

It's a magnificent learning experience.

The rest of the department, meanwhile, notices something unusual.

The workplace has become...

Quiet.

People are smiling again.

Productivity mysteriously increases.

The break room no longer sounds like a support group for professional pessimists.

Even the coffee somehow tastes better.

Naturally, management takes full credit for this miraculous improvement.

The greatest benefit, however, comes when one of the two employees requests a transfer.

When asked why, they usually respond with something like...

"I can't stand working with them. All they do is complain."

At that point, our HR representative slowly slides a box of tissues across the desk, smiles sympathetically, and says...

"We understand exactly how you feel."

Then we deny the transfer request.

After all, breaking up such a successful partnership would be terrible for company morale.

Here at PsychotiCorp, we don't believe every employee deserves happiness.

But we do believe everyone deserves the opportunity to experience life from the other side of the conversation.

Sometimes the best cure for constant complaining...

...is being forced to listen to yourself coming out of someone else's mouth.

Dr Psychotic
Fearless and Inspirational Leader of PsychotiCorp