Greetings, PsychotiCorp employees!
As part of our continuing effort to increase employee productivity while simultaneously reducing expenses, PsychotiCorp is proud to announce the implementation of our new Productivity Treadmill Program.
For years, employees have wasted enormous amounts of physical energy walking, exercising, fidgeting, tapping their feet, and performing other movements that generate absolutely no revenue for the company.
Management has decided this energy should no longer go to waste.
Beginning Monday, conventional desks and chairs will gradually be removed from PsychotiCorp offices and replaced with specially designed Productivity Treadmill Workstations.
Employees will now be able to work while generating electricity for the company.
You're welcome.
Turning Employees Into Renewable Energy
PsychotiCorp has always been committed to protecting the environment whenever doing so saves us money.
Our engineers recently calculated that the average employee possesses a tremendous amount of unused energy.
Employees walk to the cafeteria.
They walk to the restroom.
They walk to their cars.
Some employees even exercise recreationally after work.
Management was horrified.
Imagine voluntarily expending energy without allowing PsychotiCorp to monetize it.
The Productivity Treadmill Program solves this problem.
Each workstation will include a treadmill connected to an electrical generator. Employees will walk while answering emails, completing spreadsheets, attending virtual meetings, processing paperwork, and performing their normal job responsibilities.
The electricity generated by the treadmill will help power the employee's computer.
Employees will therefore become partially responsible for providing the electricity necessary to perform the work we pay them to perform.
We call this energy accountability.
Minimum Power Requirements
Naturally, merely walking on the treadmill is not enough.
PsychotiCorp has standards.
Every employee will be assigned a minimum daily electricity-production quota based on age, weight, physical condition, salary, and how much management personally likes them.
Employees who exceed their quotas will receive a congratulatory email.
Employees who fail to meet their quotas will receive a motivational electrical shock through the treadmill's handrails.
Our engineers assure us that this should dramatically improve performance.
Eventually.
Employees who repeatedly fail to generate sufficient electricity may have their computers shut down.
They will then be disciplined for failing to complete their work.
The New Performance Dashboard
Every treadmill will transmit performance data directly to management.
Supervisors will be able to monitor employee speed, distance traveled, calories burned, electricity generated, bathroom breaks, heart rate, and number of times the employee quietly mutters, "I hate this place."
Large television monitors throughout the factory will display employee rankings.
The highest-producing employees will appear under the heading:
ENERGY LEADERS
The lowest-producing employees will appear under:
WHY ARE WE STILL PAYING THESE PEOPLE?
Management believes public humiliation will provide additional motivation at no additional cost.
Meetings Will Now Be More Productive
Employees participating in meetings will continue walking throughout the meeting.
This provides several advantages.
First, the meeting will generate electricity.
Second, employees will be less likely to fall asleep during presentations.
Third, managers will finally have a legitimate reason to say:
"Let's keep this meeting moving."
Executive meetings will not use treadmills.
Executives require chairs because thinking is physically exhausting.
The Emergency Sprint Protocol
During periods of unusually high electricity demand, an alarm will sound throughout the building.
Employees must immediately increase their treadmill speed.
The announcement system will provide encouragement:
"POWER DEMAND CRITICAL. BEGIN SPRINTING."
Employees who are already sprinting should sprint harder.
Employees experiencing chest pain are reminded that the employee handbook specifically prohibits personal medical emergencies during peak electrical demand.
If an employee collapses, the treadmill will automatically increase its incline so the employee rolls backward into the designated recovery area.
A replacement employee will then take their place.
PsychotiCorp believes strongly in continuity of operations.
Going Green
Management is particularly excited about the environmental benefits of the program.
PsychotiCorp will soon be able to advertise itself as a company partially powered by renewable energy.
We considered solar panels.
We considered wind turbines.
We considered geothermal energy.
Then we realized employees already show up every morning.
Why purchase expensive renewable-energy equipment when we already have hundreds of renewable employees?
Employees who quit can easily be replaced.
The sun cannot offer that kind of reliability.
Expansion Into the Factory
If the office treadmill program succeeds, similar technology will be introduced throughout the widget factory.
Factory employees may soon operate machinery using stationary bicycles.
Warehouse employees will recharge forklifts by using rowing machines.
Employees in Accounting will be connected to small hand-cranked generators beneath their desks.
Human Resources will remain powered entirely by the suffering of others.
Our long-term goal is to make PsychotiCorp the world's first corporation capable of operating entirely on employee exhaustion.
An Exciting New Benefit
Some employees have asked whether participation in the Productivity Treadmill Program will result in additional compensation.
No.
However, management has generously decided to classify the program as an employee wellness benefit.
This means PsychotiCorp can now advertise that employees receive several hours of company-sponsored exercise every day.
Gym memberships will therefore be removed from the employee benefits package.
This change will save the company approximately $47,000 annually.
Management bonuses will be adjusted accordingly.
Remember: Every Step Counts
PsychotiCorp understands that change can be difficult.
Some employees may initially resist the Productivity Treadmill Program.
Others may complain that they cannot concentrate while walking eight hours per day.
A few will undoubtedly raise unnecessary questions about labor laws, workplace safety, electrical codes, or basic human dignity.
We encourage these employees to remember one important fact:
Every step you take brings PsychotiCorp closer to its quarterly earnings target.
And isn't that what physical fitness is really about?
So lace up your shoes, grab your laptop, and prepare to start walking.
The future of renewable energy is here.
And apparently, it's you.
Dr. Psychotic
Founder, President, CEO, Supreme Commander & Director of Employee Energy Extraction
PsychotiCorp
No comments:
Post a Comment