PsychotiCorp Announces Its First Annual Mandatory Employee Field Day

 

Greetings, PsychotiCorp Employees!

In our continuing effort to improve morale without increasing wages, PsychotiCorp is proud to announce its First Annual Mandatory Employee Field Day.

This exciting outdoor event will give employees from every department an opportunity to demonstrate their athletic ability, competitive spirit, pain tolerance, and willingness to obey questionable instructions from management.

Participation is mandatory. Enjoyment is optional but will be reflected in your next performance evaluation.

Employees should arrive wearing comfortable athletic clothing, steel-toed shoes, protective eyewear, and whatever improvised body armor they can construct at home without using company property.

The day will feature both individual and team competitions.

The 100-Yard Scissors Dash

Traditional track events have become predictable. Competitors run from one end of a track to the other, and the fastest person wins. Where is the suspense? Where is the danger? Where are the pointed office supplies?

PsychotiCorp has solved this problem with the 100-Yard Scissors Dash.

Each competitor will run while carrying a large pair of scissors with the points facing the abdomen. Unlike schools, parents, and responsible employers, PsychotiCorp will not discourage participants from running with scissors. We will actively encourage it.

Competitors who turn the scissors away from themselves will be penalized for displaying an insufficient commitment to the event.

The first employee to cross the finish line wins—provided the employee is still capable of signing the victory form.

Tug-of-War Over the Sewage Pit

Teams will compete in a traditional tug-of-war, with one important improvement: a pit filled with raw sewage will be located between them.

The losing team will be pulled into the pit, where its members may encounter discarded cafeteria food, unidentified factory runoff, and several former employees who have adapted surprisingly well to their new environment.

The winning team will receive a certificate of achievement and permission to use the employee restroom before returning to work.

Management will wear rain ponchos and observe from a safe distance.

The Executive Javelin Catch

Throwing a javelin is relatively easy. Catching one requires considerably more initiative.

In this event, senior managers will throw sharpened javelins toward employees standing at the opposite end of the field. Employees will attempt to catch them using nothing but their hands, reflexes, and desire to remain eligible for promotion.

Points will be awarded for every successful catch. Additional points may be awarded if the employee catches the javelin without screaming.

Employees who dodge will be accused of avoiding responsibility.

The Flaming Briefcase Relay

Teams must carry a briefcase containing important PsychotiCorp documents around the track while the briefcase is on fire.

Each runner must complete one lap before passing the briefcase to the next teammate. Dropping the briefcase will result in immediate disqualification because those documents are extremely important.

Employees are replaceable. Paperwork is forever.

The winning team will be permitted to keep whatever remains of the briefcase.

The Blindfolded Obstacle Course

Competitors will be blindfolded and directed through an obstacle course by members of the Human Resources Department.

Obstacles will include swinging tires, electrified fences, open manholes, angry geese, and stacks of unsigned liability waivers.

HR representatives will guide employees by shouting vague instructions such as “Go left!” “No, your other left!” and “We strongly recommend that you stop screaming.”

This event is designed to recreate the experience of following PsychotiCorp’s employee handbook.

The Corporate Ladder Climb

Employees will race to the top of a forty-foot ladder covered in industrial grease.

Whenever a competitor gets close to the top, a manager will move the ladder several feet farther away. This will teach employees an important lesson about advancement within the company.

The first person to reach the top will receive a promotion in title only. The additional responsibilities will begin immediately. Compensation will remain unchanged.

The Mandatory Trust Fall

Employees will stand on a raised platform and fall backward while trusting their coworkers to catch them.

However, the coworkers will receive secret instructions to step aside at the last moment.

This exercise will teach employees the dangers of workplace trust and prepare them for future interactions with management.

Padding may be placed beneath the platform if the event’s safety budget is approved. It will not be approved.

The Copier-Toner Sack Race

Employees will climb into oversized sacks formerly used to transport industrial copier toner and race across the field.

The sacks have not been cleaned because cleaning them would unnecessarily increase the event’s operating costs.

Participants may emerge covered in black powder, but management believes this will encourage team spirit by making everyone look equally unemployable.

Anyone experiencing respiratory difficulties should submit Form 87-C to the Department of Recreational Injuries within three business days.

The Hostile Work Environment Dodgeball Tournament

Departments will compete against one another using regulation dodgeballs filled with wet cement.

Standard dodgeball rules will apply, with one exception: employees who are struck will not be eliminated. They must remain in the game so they can be struck repeatedly.

Supervisors may enter the court at any time and throw balls at employees who have recently requested vacation days.

The last department capable of standing will be declared the winner.

The Three-Legged Layoff Race

Two employees will have one leg tied to each other and race toward a table containing a single employment contract.

The first pair to arrive must then decide which member receives the contract and which member is immediately laid off.

This event promotes teamwork, communication, and the understanding that your closest colleague may also be your greatest threat.

Employees who refuse to choose will both be laid off for indecisiveness.

The Performance Review Dunk Tank

Managers will take turns sitting above a large tank of stagnant water while employees throw balls at the release mechanism.

To ensure fairness, employees will be required to throw from 200 yards away while facing backward.

Any employee who successfully dunks a manager will undergo an immediate surprise performance review conducted by that same manager.

Although retaliation is strictly prohibited at PsychotiCorp, coincidence is not.

The Final Event: Last Employee Standing

At the conclusion of the scheduled competitions, all remaining employees will gather in the center of the field.

Management will then release the feral hogs.

The rules will be explained afterward.

The last employee remaining on the field will be named PsychotiCorp Athlete of the Year and receive an attractive plastic trophy, a five-dollar cafeteria voucher, and first choice of shifts on Christmas morning.

Attendance Is Mandatory

The First Annual PsychotiCorp Field Day will provide employees with fresh air, physical exercise, and a renewed appreciation for the relative safety of the factory floor.

Employees who are medically unable to participate must provide written authorization from three physicians, a federal judge, and Dr. Psychotic himself. Requests will be reviewed several weeks after the event.

Family members are welcome to attend as spectators, emergency contacts, or potential replacement employees.

We look forward to seeing everyone there—especially those of you who thought calling in sick would save you.

Remember: at PsychotiCorp, we do not merely build stronger teams.

We determine which members of the team are strong enough to survive.

Dr. Psychotic
Founder, President, Chief Executive Officer,
Supreme Director of Employee Recreation
PsychotiCorp