Why Employee Morale Is a Dangerous Distraction

Employee morale is often presented as something every successful company should strive to improve. Management experts claim that happy employees are more productive, more loyal and more willing to contribute to the success of the organization.

That may sound good on paper, but these so-called experts often overlook the grave danger that comes with a happy workforce: happy employees may begin expecting reasonable treatment.

At PsychotiCorp, we believe expectations are dangerous—especially when employees have them.

Happiness Creates Expectations

The first problem with improving employee morale is that employees may expect management to keep them happy. Once workers become accustomed to being treated well, they may assume that respectful treatment will continue indefinitely.

That places an unfair burden on management. Suddenly, supervisors must think before they speak. They may even be expected to listen to employee concerns and respond without becoming defensive or assigning blame.

This is an unreasonable amount of effort to devote to people who are already being compensated with the privilege of having a job.

Appreciation May Lead to Financial Demands

Employee appreciation is especially risky. A simple compliment may cause a worker to believe that his or her contribution has genuine value. Once that happens, the employee may start asking uncomfortable questions about raises, bonuses or promotions.

This is why PsychotiCorp prefers to reward hard work with more work. It recognizes the employee’s reliability without creating unnecessary expenses.

If an employee completes a difficult assignment ahead of schedule, management can immediately provide another difficult assignment. This keeps the employee too busy to calculate how much additional work is being performed for the same amount of money.

Comfortable Employees May Start Expressing Opinions

Low morale has one important advantage: it encourages silence.

Employees who feel comfortable in the workplace may begin expressing ideas, making suggestions or pointing out problems. Some of them may even question management decisions before those decisions have had sufficient time to become disasters.

This can be extremely disruptive. Management must then choose between listening to the employee and pretending the conversation never happened. Both options consume valuable time that could have been spent planning another meeting.

Team Building Encourages Dangerous Communication

Many companies organize team-building activities to improve cooperation. PsychotiCorp considers this practice highly irresponsible.

When employees communicate with one another, they may discover that they share the same complaints. A worker who assumed he was the only underpaid, overworked and unappreciated employee may learn that the entire department feels exactly the same way.

This creates unity, and unity makes employees much more difficult to ignore individually.

For this reason, PsychotiCorp encourages workers to remain isolated, suspicious and mildly resentful of one another. Employees who blame their coworkers are less likely to notice that management created the problem.

Better Working Conditions Make Future Cuts More Noticeable

Improving working conditions may provide a temporary increase in morale, but it also establishes a dangerous standard. If employees become accustomed to adequate staffing, functioning equipment and reasonable workloads, they will notice when those things are later removed to reduce costs.

It is much safer to keep conditions consistently disappointing. Employees cannot complain that things have gotten worse if they were never particularly good to begin with.

Consistency is very important to us.

Respect Can Become Habit-Forming

Respect is another workplace benefit that must be distributed carefully. If employees receive too much of it, they may become less afraid of management. They might speak honestly during meetings, refuse unreasonable demands or remind supervisors of promises that were never intended to be remembered.

Even worse, respectful treatment can become habit-forming. Once employees experience it, they may want it every day.

PsychotiCorp therefore recommends occasional, carefully rationed acts of courtesy. This provides management with examples to mention whenever employees claim they are never treated well.

High Morale Could Attract More Applicants

Some experts argue that satisfied employees help attract talented applicants. This may be true, but it creates another problem: Human Resources would receive more résumés to ignore.

It could also result in highly qualified people joining the company. Those people may recognize inefficient procedures, outdated policies and obvious management mistakes. They could then suggest improvements, creating still more work for the executives responsible for rejecting them.

The PsychotiCorp Morale Standard

PsychotiCorp does not believe employee morale should be completely eliminated. Employees need just enough hope to arrive at work tomorrow.

The ideal morale level is high enough to prevent mass resignations but low enough to discourage expectations. Workers should believe that conditions may eventually improve, while management remains careful never to specify when.

This delicate balance allows a company to retain its employees without spoiling them with happiness, appreciation or dignity.

At PsychotiCorp, we believe happy employees are dangerous employees. A miserable employee knows better than to expect anything.

Dr Psychotic
Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader  

Management Has Monetized the Rumor Mill

 

At PsychotiCorp, we have always recognized that communication is essential to a successful workplace. Employees need timely information about company decisions, departmental changes, management scandals, suspicious promotions, secret relationships, and which coworker may be escorted from the building before lunchtime.

Unfortunately, much of this valuable information has traditionally circulated without producing any revenue for the company.

Employees gather near break-room tables, whisper beside the copier, exchange private messages, and hold emergency conferences in the parking lot. During these unauthorized discussions, rumors are created, modified, distributed, and occasionally supported by facts.

PsychotiCorp cannot continue allowing a profitable company resource to be exchanged freely.

That is why we are proud to introduce the PsychotiCorp Corporate Rumor Subscription Service. From this point forward, all workplace gossip will be collected, categorized, monetized, and distributed through official company channels.

The rumor mill is now company property.

Why the Old Rumor System Had to Change

The traditional rumor mill was inefficient and poorly managed.

One employee might hear that the company was planning layoffs. Another might hear that the company was being sold. A third might hear that Dr Psychotic was constructing an underground executive bunker stocked with canned meat and replacement accountants.

These employees would then spread the information without confirming it, documenting it, or giving management an opportunity to charge for it.

Even worse, some employees received important rumors before their supervisors did. This created an unacceptable situation in which workers occasionally knew what was happening inside the company.

Management has determined that greater control is necessary.

The new subscription service will ensure that rumors are distributed according to an employee’s position, salary, subscription level, and demonstrated willingness to believe anything printed on official company stationery.

Select the Rumor Plan That Is Right for You

PsychotiCorp understands that every employee has different informational needs. We have therefore created several affordable subscription plans.

The Basic Rumor Plan

The Basic Plan provides access to general rumors about other employees.

Subscribers may receive information concerning:

• Who arrived late
• Who left early
• Who may be looking for another job
• Who ate someone else’s lunch
• Who cried in the supply closet
• Who has been called into Human Resources
• Who management has suddenly begun treating politely

The Basic Plan does not include explanations, evidence, context, or information that could interfere with an entertaining misunderstanding.

The Premium Rumor Plan

Premium subscribers receive everything included in the Basic Plan, plus rumors concerning supervisors and middle management.

Possible topics include:

• Upcoming departmental reorganizations
• Unexplained promotions
• Secret management meetings
• Executives blaming one another
• Managers pretending to understand new technology
• Budget problems that officially do not exist
• Reasons your supervisor has started removing personal items from his office

Premium rumors are delivered at least fifteen minutes before management issues a statement denying them.

The Executive Rumor Plan

The Executive Plan allows employees to hear rumors about themselves before everyone else does.

This gives subscribers a brief opportunity to prepare explanations, destroy evidence, update résumés, or begin spreading a more favorable version of the story.

PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that subscribers will hear every rumor about themselves. Certain information may be withheld if management believes the employee’s panic would provide greater entertainment when experienced without warning.

The Enterprise Rumor Plan

The Enterprise Plan is intended for department heads, executives, and other individuals who need to manufacture and distribute their own rumors.

Subscribers can create customized stories about:

• Imminent promotions
• Fictional job offers from competing companies
• Record-breaking departmental performance
• Personal friendships with Dr Psychotic
• Upcoming projects that do not exist
• Major clients who have never heard of PsychotiCorp

For an additional fee, management will repeat the rumor during a meeting, giving it the appearance of official support without accepting responsibility for its accuracy.

Accuracy Is Available as a Paid Upgrade

Some employees have asked whether the rumors distributed through the new service will be true.

PsychotiCorp considers this an unreasonable demand.

Researching facts requires time, labor, and employees capable of distinguishing reality from a management presentation. Providing accurate information would significantly increase operating costs.

For this reason, accuracy is available only through the optional Truth Enhancement Package.

Customers who purchase this upgrade will receive a small symbol beside any rumor that may contain a recognizable fragment of reality. PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that the truthful fragment concerns the person, event, department, or company identified in the rumor.

Employees who decline the upgrade will continue receiving the more affordable version of events.

Unauthorized Gossip Is Now Prohibited

Because PsychotiCorp has entered the professional rumor market, employees may no longer create or distribute competing gossip during company time.

Unauthorized statements such as “I heard,” “Someone told me,” and “You didn’t hear this from me” must be reported to the Corporate Rumor Compliance Department.

Employees caught spreading unlicensed gossip may be charged with:

• Theft of company information
• Operating an unauthorized communications network
• Interfering with official misinformation
• Reducing the commercial value of a premium rumor
• Knowing something before management was prepared to admit it

This policy also applies to facial expressions. Raising an eyebrow, exchanging a meaningful glance, or looking toward an executive’s office when security arrives may constitute unlicensed rumor distribution.

Employees should maintain a neutral expression until management releases an approved emotional response.

Management Will Collect Rumors About You for Free

PsychotiCorp believes information should flow in both directions—as long as one direction leads directly to management.

All employees will therefore be automatically enrolled in our complimentary Rumor Contribution Program.

Under this program, management may collect stories about your attendance, attitude, conversations, friendships, lunch habits, Internet searches, facial expressions, and suspicious unwillingness to participate in voluntary events.

Participation is mandatory and requires no action on your part. Your coworkers will provide most of the necessary material.

Employees are encouraged to report one another frequently. Every submitted rumor earns points that may eventually be exchanged for rewards. Available rewards include a PsychotiCorp pen, a five-minute restroom extension, or the name of the coworker who has been submitting rumors about you.

The final reward requires approximately eight years of continuous reporting.

Rumors May Be Sponsored

To generate additional revenue, selected rumors will include paid corporate sponsorships.

For example:

“Carl may be transferred to the basement—brought to you by PsychotiCorp Industrial Lighting, illuminating workspaces management prefers not to visit.”

Employees may also hear:

“Clyde is expected to recover from his latest workplace injury, thanks to the PsychotiCorp Employee Wellness Program, which has determined that he remains technically alive.”

Sponsored rumors allow PsychotiCorp to keep subscription prices affordable while creating exciting opportunities to advertise products during moments of fear, embarrassment, and professional uncertainty.

Employees may remove advertisements by purchasing the Ad-Free Anxiety Package.

Correcting False Rumors

PsychotiCorp takes misinformation seriously, particularly when it harms management.

If a rumor about an executive is proven false, it will be removed immediately, and everyone who repeated it will be disciplined.

If a rumor about an ordinary employee is proven false, it will remain available as part of our historical entertainment archive.

Employees may submit a correction request to the Corporate Rumor Review Board. Most requests will receive a decision within six to eight fiscal years.

Please remember that submitting a correction may draw additional attention to the original rumor. PsychotiCorp recommends that employees carefully consider whether defending themselves is worth reminding everyone of what they supposedly did.

A More Efficient Future for Workplace Gossip

The Corporate Rumor Subscription Service represents an important step forward for PsychotiCorp.

For too long, employees have exchanged gossip without structure, supervision, quality control, or monthly fees. The new system brings workplace rumors into the modern corporate economy.

Employees will still experience suspicion, confusion, embarrassment, and distrust. The difference is that these experiences will now produce measurable quarterly revenue.

Management looks forward to providing you with the rumors you need, the rumors you fear, and the rumors we created to observe how you react.

Remember: if you have not heard any rumors about yourself lately, it does not mean people have stopped talking.

It may simply mean you need to upgrade your subscription.

Dr Psychotic – Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader

PsychotiCorp Introduces Performance-Based Restroom Access

 

OFFICIAL PSYCHOTICORP COMPANY MEMO

PsychotiCorp is pleased to announce the introduction of our new Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.

Management recently discovered that employees spend several minutes every day visiting the restroom without producing anything of measurable financial value for the company.

When these minutes are multiplied by hundreds of employees over an entire year, the loss becomes unacceptable. PsychotiCorp could be losing dozens of hours that might otherwise be devoted to manufacturing defective widgets, completing unnecessary reports, or attending meetings about improving productivity.

Effective immediately, restroom access will no longer be treated as an automatic employee privilege.

It must be earned.

Earning Restroom Credits

Employees will receive one restroom credit after exceeding their daily productivity quota by 20 percent.

Each credit permits one restroom visit lasting no longer than three minutes. Travel time to and from the restroom is included.

Employees who require more time should improve their productivity before experiencing the need.

Restroom credits cannot be borrowed, transferred, inherited, or carried over into the following workday. Any unused credits will expire at midnight because PsychotiCorp refuses to recognize accumulated biological obligations.

Employees may earn additional credits by:

• Working through lunch
• Arriving before their scheduled shift
• Remaining after their scheduled shift
• Completing the work of absent coworkers
• Reporting coworkers who take unauthorized restroom breaks
• Purchasing credits through payroll deduction

Management reserves the right to change the value of restroom credits without notice.

Restroom Authorization

Employees must obtain permission from their immediate supervisor before using an earned credit.

The supervisor will determine whether the department can withstand the temporary loss of productivity. Approval may be delayed during busy periods, staff shortages, meetings, emergencies, routine operations, or whenever the supervisor does not feel like completing the paperwork.

Once authorization is granted, the employee will receive a numbered restroom pass.

The pass must remain visible throughout the visit. Employees discovered inside the restroom without proper authorization will be presumed to be stealing company time.

The fact that an employee possesses an unused restroom credit does not guarantee approval. A credit merely provides an opportunity to request permission.

PsychotiCorp believes this distinction is very important.

Emergency Requests

PsychotiCorp understands that emergencies sometimes occur.

Employees experiencing a genuine restroom emergency must complete Form 82-B, Request for Unscheduled Biological Activity, and submit it to Human Resources.

The form requires:

• A description of the emergency
• An explanation of why the emergency was not scheduled in advance
• The employee’s productivity totals for the previous 30 days
• Two witness signatures
• Supervisor approval
• A proposed plan for recovering the lost productivity

Human Resources will review emergency requests within seven to ten business days.

Employees should not interpret an emergency as permission to violate company policy while awaiting a decision.

Restroom Monitoring

To ensure fairness and accountability, PsychotiCorp will install electronic card readers on all restroom doors.

Employees must scan their identification cards when entering and leaving. The system will record the employee’s name, department, entry time, exit time, productivity level, available credits, and history of suspicious hydration.

Motion sensors will also monitor activity inside each restroom.

Management insists that the new system is not an invasion of privacy. PsychotiCorp cannot invade something employees surrendered when they accepted employment.

Anyone exceeding the three-minute limit will receive a written warning and lose two future restroom credits.

After a third violation, the employee will be required to attend an unpaid time-management seminar titled Holding It Together: Personal Discipline in the Modern Workplace.

Unauthorized Hydration

Management has also identified a connection between excessive drinking and declining productivity.

Employees who consume water, coffee, tea, soft drinks, or other liquids during working hours are creating predictable restroom demands.

Effective immediately, all beverages brought into the workplace must be registered with a supervisor. Employees may be asked to explain why hydration is necessary for their assigned duties.

The water fountains will remain available during designated hydration periods from 6:02 to 6:04 a.m. and 8:57 to 8:59 p.m.

Employees whose shifts do not include those times may submit a hydration variance request.

Approval is not guaranteed.

Medical Accommodations

Employees with medical conditions may request additional restroom access by submitting complete medical documentation.

The documentation must include a diagnosis, treatment history, physician’s signature, projected restroom schedule, and a convincing explanation of why the employee’s medical condition should become PsychotiCorp’s problem.

All requests will be evaluated by the company’s medical review specialist, who completed most of an online first-aid course before becoming distracted.

Approved accommodations will remain valid for seven days. Employees must then prove that their condition continues to exist.

Permanent medical conditions must be recertified weekly because circumstances can change and paperwork builds character.

Department Restroom Goals

Each department will receive a monthly restroom-usage target.

Departments that remain below the target will be recognized for their commitment to efficiency. The department with the lowest usage will receive a certificate suitable for displaying near the restroom it was discouraged from using.

Departments that exceed their targets will be placed on a Restroom Productivity Improvement Plan.

Supervisors may respond by reducing access, increasing quotas, removing restroom signs, or relocating the nearest facilities to another building.

This approach encourages employees to regulate one another.

If a coworker takes too long, everyone suffers. PsychotiCorp considers this an excellent way to build teamwork, resentment, and internal surveillance without increasing management expenses.

Break-Time Restroom Use

Employees may use the restroom during scheduled breaks if they have earned the appropriate credit and obtained supervisor authorization.

Please remember that waiting in line counts as part of the employee’s break.

Employees still inside the restroom when their break ends will be considered late returning to work, even if the delay resulted from management allowing 75 employees to use one functioning restroom simultaneously.

Employees are encouraged to plan ahead.

High-Performing Sales Personnel

High-performing salespeople are exempt from all restroom restrictions.

Any salesperson who consistently exceeds sales targets may use the restroom whenever they want, for as long as they want, without earning credits or obtaining permission.

Hell, they can crap on another employee’s desk for all we care—as long as they do it to a low-performing employee.

In that situation, management will classify the incident as a motivational exercise.

The affected employee will be responsible for cleaning the desk, recovering the lost productivity, and reflecting on why their inadequate performance invited such a powerful demonstration of sales excellence.

Human Resources will not accept complaints regarding the behavior of high-performing salespeople. Employees who generate substantial revenue for PsychotiCorp cannot reasonably be expected to follow the same rules as people who merely keep the company operating.

Low-performing salespeople remain subject to the standard restroom restrictions. In fact, their access may be reduced further until they demonstrate that they are capable of producing something the company values.

Management Exemption

Executives, senior managers, supervisors, corporate consultants, and members of Dr. Psychotic’s immediate family are exempt from the Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.

Their responsibilities are too important to be interrupted by unnecessary regulations.

Executive restrooms will remain unrestricted, fully stocked, climate-controlled, and equipped with comfortable seating, premium hand soap, complimentary beverages, and reading material.

Employees should not view this as unequal treatment.

Management has privileges because management earned them by creating policies for everyone else.

Commitment to Employee Wellness

PsychotiCorp remains deeply committed to maintaining a healthy and respectful workplace.

The Performance-Based Restroom Access Program will encourage better time management, greater personal discipline, reduced water consumption, improved productivity, and fewer employees wandering through the hallways without generating revenue.

Management understands that some employees may initially find the program uncomfortable.

That discomfort demonstrates that the program is working.

Employees with questions should consult the complete 146-page Restroom Access Policy Manual. Reading the manual must occur outside working hours and does not qualify employees for an additional restroom credit.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Together, we can eliminate waste in every possible form.

Dr Psychotic
Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader