OFFICIAL PSYCHOTICORP COMPANY MEMO
PsychotiCorp is pleased to announce the introduction of our new Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.
Management recently discovered that employees spend several minutes every day visiting the restroom without producing anything of measurable financial value for the company.
When these minutes are multiplied by hundreds of employees over an entire year, the loss becomes unacceptable. PsychotiCorp could be losing dozens of hours that might otherwise be devoted to manufacturing defective widgets, completing unnecessary reports, or attending meetings about improving productivity.
Effective immediately, restroom access will no longer be treated as an automatic employee privilege.
It must be earned.
Earning Restroom Credits
Employees will receive one restroom credit after exceeding their daily productivity quota by 20 percent.
Each credit permits one restroom visit lasting no longer than three minutes. Travel time to and from the restroom is included.
Employees who require more time should improve their productivity before experiencing the need.
Restroom credits cannot be borrowed, transferred, inherited, or carried over into the following workday. Any unused credits will expire at midnight because PsychotiCorp refuses to recognize accumulated biological obligations.
Employees may earn additional credits by:
- Working through lunch
- Arriving before their scheduled shift
- Remaining after their scheduled shift
- Completing the work of absent coworkers
- Reporting coworkers who take unauthorized restroom breaks
- Purchasing credits through payroll deduction
Management reserves the right to change the value of restroom credits without notice.
Restroom Authorization
Employees must obtain permission from their immediate supervisor before using an earned credit.
The supervisor will determine whether the department can withstand the temporary loss of productivity. Approval may be delayed during busy periods, staff shortages, meetings, emergencies, routine operations, or whenever the supervisor does not feel like completing the paperwork.
Once authorization is granted, the employee will receive a numbered restroom pass.
The pass must remain visible throughout the visit. Employees discovered inside the restroom without proper authorization will be presumed to be stealing company time.
The fact that an employee possesses an unused restroom credit does not guarantee approval. A credit merely provides an opportunity to request permission.
PsychotiCorp believes this distinction is very important.
Emergency Requests
PsychotiCorp understands that emergencies sometimes occur.
Employees experiencing a genuine restroom emergency must complete Form 82-B, Request for Unscheduled Biological Activity, and submit it to Human Resources.
The form requires:
- A description of the emergency
- An explanation of why the emergency was not scheduled in advance
- The employee’s productivity totals for the previous 30 days
- Two witness signatures
- Supervisor approval
- A proposed plan for recovering the lost productivity
Human Resources will review emergency requests within seven to ten business days.
Employees should not interpret an emergency as permission to violate company policy while awaiting a decision.
Restroom Monitoring
To ensure fairness and accountability, PsychotiCorp will install electronic card readers on all restroom doors.
Employees must scan their identification cards when entering and leaving. The system will record the employee’s name, department, entry time, exit time, productivity level, available credits, and history of suspicious hydration.
Motion sensors will also monitor activity inside each restroom.
Management insists that the new system is not an invasion of privacy. PsychotiCorp cannot invade something employees surrendered when they accepted employment.
Anyone exceeding the three-minute limit will receive a written warning and lose two future restroom credits.
After a third violation, the employee will be required to attend an unpaid time-management seminar titled Holding It Together: Personal Discipline in the Modern Workplace.
Unauthorized Hydration
Management has also identified a connection between excessive drinking and declining productivity.
Employees who consume water, coffee, tea, soft drinks, or other liquids during working hours are creating predictable restroom demands.
Effective immediately, all beverages brought into the workplace must be registered with a supervisor. Employees may be asked to explain why hydration is necessary for their assigned duties.
The water fountains will remain available during designated hydration periods from 6:02 to 6:04 a.m. and 8:57 to 8:59 p.m.
Employees whose shifts do not include those times may submit a hydration variance request.
Approval is not guaranteed.
Medical Accommodations
Employees with medical conditions may request additional restroom access by submitting complete medical documentation.
The documentation must include a diagnosis, treatment history, physician’s signature, projected restroom schedule, and a convincing explanation of why the employee’s medical condition should become PsychotiCorp’s problem.
All requests will be evaluated by the company’s medical review specialist, who completed most of an online first-aid course before becoming distracted.
Approved accommodations will remain valid for seven days. Employees must then prove that their condition continues to exist.
Permanent medical conditions must be recertified weekly because circumstances can change and paperwork builds character.
Department Restroom Goals
Each department will receive a monthly restroom-usage target.
Departments that remain below the target will be recognized for their commitment to efficiency. The department with the lowest usage will receive a certificate suitable for displaying near the restroom it was discouraged from using.
Departments that exceed their targets will be placed on a Restroom Productivity Improvement Plan.
Supervisors may respond by reducing access, increasing quotas, removing restroom signs, or relocating the nearest facilities to another building.
This approach encourages employees to regulate one another.
If a coworker takes too long, everyone suffers. PsychotiCorp considers this an excellent way to build teamwork, resentment, and internal surveillance without increasing management expenses.
Break-Time Restroom Use
Employees may use the restroom during scheduled breaks if they have earned the appropriate credit and obtained supervisor authorization.
Please remember that waiting in line counts as part of the employee’s break.
Employees still inside the restroom when their break ends will be considered late returning to work, even if the delay resulted from management allowing 75 employees to use one functioning restroom simultaneously.
Employees are encouraged to plan ahead.
High-Performing Sales Personnel
High-performing salespeople are exempt from all restroom restrictions.
Any salesperson who consistently exceeds sales targets may use the restroom whenever they want, for as long as they want, without earning credits or obtaining permission.
Hell, they can crap on another employee’s desk for all we care—as long as they do it to a low-performing employee.
In that situation, management will classify the incident as a motivational exercise.
The affected employee will be responsible for cleaning the desk, recovering the lost productivity, and reflecting on why their inadequate performance invited such a powerful demonstration of sales excellence.
Human Resources will not accept complaints regarding the behavior of high-performing salespeople. Employees who generate substantial revenue for PsychotiCorp cannot reasonably be expected to follow the same rules as people who merely keep the company operating.
Low-performing salespeople remain subject to the standard restroom restrictions. In fact, their access may be reduced further until they demonstrate that they are capable of producing something the company values.
Management Exemption
Executives, senior managers, supervisors, corporate consultants, and members of Dr. Psychotic’s immediate family are exempt from the Performance-Based Restroom Access Program.
Their responsibilities are too important to be interrupted by unnecessary regulations.
Executive restrooms will remain unrestricted, fully stocked, climate-controlled, and equipped with comfortable seating, premium hand soap, complimentary beverages, and reading material.
Employees should not view this as unequal treatment.
Management has privileges because management earned them by creating policies for everyone else.
Commitment to Employee Wellness
PsychotiCorp remains deeply committed to maintaining a healthy and respectful workplace.
The Performance-Based Restroom Access Program will encourage better time management, greater personal discipline, reduced water consumption, improved productivity, and fewer employees wandering through the hallways without generating revenue.
Management understands that some employees may initially find the program uncomfortable.
That discomfort demonstrates that the program is working.
Employees with questions should consult the complete 146-page Restroom Access Policy Manual. Reading the manual must occur outside working hours and does not qualify employees for an additional restroom credit.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Together, we can eliminate waste in every possible form.
Dr Psychotic
Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader
