At PsychotiCorp, we have always recognized that communication is essential to a successful workplace. Employees need timely information about company decisions, departmental changes, management scandals, suspicious promotions, secret relationships, and which coworker may be escorted from the building before lunchtime.
Unfortunately, much of this valuable information has traditionally circulated without producing any revenue for the company.
Employees gather near break-room tables, whisper beside the copier, exchange private messages, and hold emergency conferences in the parking lot. During these unauthorized discussions, rumors are created, modified, distributed, and occasionally supported by facts.
PsychotiCorp cannot continue allowing a profitable company resource to be exchanged freely.
That is why we are proud to introduce the PsychotiCorp Corporate Rumor Subscription Service. From this point forward, all workplace gossip will be collected, categorized, monetized, and distributed through official company channels.
The rumor mill is now company property.
Why the Old Rumor System Had to Change
The traditional rumor mill was inefficient and poorly managed.
One employee might hear that the company was planning layoffs. Another might hear that the company was being sold. A third might hear that Dr Psychotic was constructing an underground executive bunker stocked with canned meat and replacement accountants.
These employees would then spread the information without confirming it, documenting it, or giving management an opportunity to charge for it.
Even worse, some employees received important rumors before their supervisors did. This created an unacceptable situation in which workers occasionally knew what was happening inside the company.
Management has determined that greater control is necessary.
The new subscription service will ensure that rumors are distributed according to an employee’s position, salary, subscription level, and demonstrated willingness to believe anything printed on official company stationery.
Select the Rumor Plan That Is Right for You
PsychotiCorp understands that every employee has different informational needs. We have therefore created several affordable subscription plans.
The Basic Rumor Plan
The Basic Plan provides access to general rumors about other employees.
Subscribers may receive information concerning:
- Who arrived late
- Who left early
- Who may be looking for another job
- Who ate someone else’s lunch
- Who cried in the supply closet
- Who has been called into Human Resources
- Who management has suddenly begun treating politely
The Basic Plan does not include explanations, evidence, context, or information that could interfere with an entertaining misunderstanding.
The Premium Rumor Plan
Premium subscribers receive everything included in the Basic Plan, plus rumors concerning supervisors and middle management.
Possible topics include:
- Upcoming departmental reorganizations
- Unexplained promotions
- Secret management meetings
- Executives blaming one another
- Managers pretending to understand new technology
- Budget problems that officially do not exist
- Reasons your supervisor has started removing personal items from his office
Premium rumors are delivered at least fifteen minutes before management issues a statement denying them.
The Executive Rumor Plan
The Executive Plan allows employees to hear rumors about themselves before everyone else does.
This gives subscribers a brief opportunity to prepare explanations, destroy evidence, update résumés, or begin spreading a more favorable version of the story.
PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that subscribers will hear every rumor about themselves. Certain information may be withheld if management believes the employee’s panic would provide greater entertainment when experienced without warning.
The Enterprise Rumor Plan
The Enterprise Plan is intended for department heads, executives, and other individuals who need to manufacture and distribute their own rumors.
Subscribers can create customized stories about:
- Imminent promotions
- Fictional job offers from competing companies
- Record-breaking departmental performance
- Personal friendships with Dr Psychotic
- Upcoming projects that do not exist
- Major clients who have never heard of PsychotiCorp
For an additional fee, management will repeat the rumor during a meeting, giving it the appearance of official support without accepting responsibility for its accuracy.
Accuracy Is Available as a Paid Upgrade
Some employees have asked whether the rumors distributed through the new service will be true.
PsychotiCorp considers this an unreasonable demand.
Researching facts requires time, labor, and employees capable of distinguishing reality from a management presentation. Providing accurate information would significantly increase operating costs.
For this reason, accuracy is available only through the optional Truth Enhancement Package.
Customers who purchase this upgrade will receive a small symbol beside any rumor that may contain a recognizable fragment of reality. PsychotiCorp does not guarantee that the truthful fragment concerns the person, event, department, or company identified in the rumor.
Employees who decline the upgrade will continue receiving the more affordable version of events.
Unauthorized Gossip Is Now Prohibited
Because PsychotiCorp has entered the professional rumor market, employees may no longer create or distribute competing gossip during company time.
Unauthorized statements such as “I heard,” “Someone told me,” and “You didn’t hear this from me” must be reported to the Corporate Rumor Compliance Department.
Employees caught spreading unlicensed gossip may be charged with:
- Theft of company information
- Operating an unauthorized communications network
- Interfering with official misinformation
- Reducing the commercial value of a premium rumor
- Knowing something before management was prepared to admit it
This policy also applies to facial expressions. Raising an eyebrow, exchanging a meaningful glance, or looking toward an executive’s office when security arrives may constitute unlicensed rumor distribution.
Employees should maintain a neutral expression until management releases an approved emotional response.
Management Will Collect Rumors About You for Free
PsychotiCorp believes information should flow in both directions—as long as one direction leads directly to management.
All employees will therefore be automatically enrolled in our complimentary Rumor Contribution Program.
Under this program, management may collect stories about your attendance, attitude, conversations, friendships, lunch habits, Internet searches, facial expressions, and suspicious unwillingness to participate in voluntary events.
Participation is mandatory and requires no action on your part. Your coworkers will provide most of the necessary material.
Employees are encouraged to report one another frequently. Every submitted rumor earns points that may eventually be exchanged for rewards. Available rewards include a PsychotiCorp pen, a five-minute restroom extension, or the name of the coworker who has been submitting rumors about you.
The final reward requires approximately eight years of continuous reporting.
Rumors May Be Sponsored
To generate additional revenue, selected rumors will include paid corporate sponsorships.
For example:
“Carl may be transferred to the basement—brought to you by PsychotiCorp Industrial Lighting, illuminating workspaces management prefers not to visit.”
Employees may also hear:
“Clyde is expected to recover from his latest workplace injury, thanks to the PsychotiCorp Employee Wellness Program, which has determined that he remains technically alive.”
Sponsored rumors allow PsychotiCorp to keep subscription prices affordable while creating exciting opportunities to advertise products during moments of fear, embarrassment, and professional uncertainty.
Employees may remove advertisements by purchasing the Ad-Free Anxiety Package.
Correcting False Rumors
PsychotiCorp takes misinformation seriously, particularly when it harms management.
If a rumor about an executive is proven false, it will be removed immediately, and everyone who repeated it will be disciplined.
If a rumor about an ordinary employee is proven false, it will remain available as part of our historical entertainment archive.
Employees may submit a correction request to the Corporate Rumor Review Board. Most requests will receive a decision within six to eight fiscal years.
Please remember that submitting a correction may draw additional attention to the original rumor. PsychotiCorp recommends that employees carefully consider whether defending themselves is worth reminding everyone of what they supposedly did.
A More Efficient Future for Workplace Gossip
The Corporate Rumor Subscription Service represents an important step forward for PsychotiCorp.
For too long, employees have exchanged gossip without structure, supervision, quality control, or monthly fees. The new system brings workplace rumors into the modern corporate economy.
Employees will still experience suspicion, confusion, embarrassment, and distrust. The difference is that these experiences will now produce measurable quarterly revenue.
Management looks forward to providing you with the rumors you need, the rumors you fear, and the rumors we created to observe how you react.
Remember: if you have not heard any rumors about yourself lately, it does not mean people have stopped talking.
It may simply mean you need to upgrade your subscription.
Dr Psychotic – Founder of PsychotiCorp and All-Around Great Leader
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