Here at PsychotiCorp, our Human Resources Department is constantly searching for innovative ways to improve workplace morale while simultaneously spending as little money as possible.
After months of exhaustive research, several committee meetings that accomplished nothing, and one consultant who billed us $48,000 to suggest "better communication," we have finally discovered the perfect solution for employees who constantly complain.
We simply assign the two biggest complainers to work together.
It's efficient.
It's economical.
And, most importantly, it's entertaining.
For years, these employees have generously shared their opinions with everyone around them. They complain about management. They complain about company policies. They complain about coworkers. They complain about the equipment. They complain when it's too hot. They complain when it's too cold. They complain when there isn't enough overtime. Then they complain because there's too much overtime.
Some people possess an incredible gift for finding the dark cloud surrounding every silver lining.
Naturally, we felt this unique talent deserved to be concentrated rather than distributed throughout the department.
Instead of allowing their negativity to spread across the entire workforce like an airborne virus, we simply isolate the source by placing both employees at the same workstation.
Now they can spend the entire day validating each other's misery.
At first, the arrangement works beautifully.
Each employee finally finds someone who seems to understand their daily suffering.
The conversations begin immediately.
"This place is terrible."
"I know."
"The supervisor has no idea what they're doing."
"Exactly."
"The coffee tastes awful."
"It somehow got worse."
For a brief period, everyone appears happy.
Then something remarkable happens.
Eventually, one of them gets tired of listening.
It turns out that people who enjoy complaining don't necessarily enjoy hearing someone else complain all day.
Suddenly, every sentence that once seemed so profound becomes repetitive, exhausting, and irritating.
One starts thinking...
"Does this person ever stop complaining?"
The answer, of course, is no.
Because neither do they.
Soon they're interrupting each other.
Competing to see who has the bigger problem.
Trying to outdo one another with stories of hardship.
Correcting each other's complaints.
Complaining that the other person complains too much.
Eventually they begin avoiding conversations altogether because they simply can't tolerate listening to the exact behavior they've been demonstrating to everyone else for months.
It's a magnificent learning experience.
The rest of the department, meanwhile, notices something unusual.
The workplace has become...
Quiet.
People are smiling again.
Productivity mysteriously increases.
The break room no longer sounds like a support group for professional pessimists.
Even the coffee somehow tastes better.
Naturally, management takes full credit for this miraculous improvement.
The greatest benefit, however, comes when one of the two employees requests a transfer.
When asked why, they usually respond with something like...
"I can't stand working with them. All they do is complain."
At that point, our HR representative slowly slides a box of tissues across the desk, smiles sympathetically, and says...
"We understand exactly how you feel."
Then we deny the transfer request.
After all, breaking up such a successful partnership would be terrible for company morale.
Here at PsychotiCorp, we don't believe every employee deserves happiness.
But we do believe everyone deserves the opportunity to experience life from the other side of the conversation.
Sometimes the best cure for constant complaining...
...is being forced to listen to yourself coming out of someone else's mouth.
Dr Psychotic
Fearless and Inspirational Leader of PsychotiCorp
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