The Employee Suggestion Box

 

How PsychotiCorp Protects Itself from Dangerous Innovation

At PsychotiCorp, we firmly believe our employees are our greatest asset. That is why we have invested heavily in making sure none of their ideas accidentally influence the company.

Years ago, management made the mistake of listening to an employee suggestion. It worked. Productivity improved, costs went down, morale increased, and everyone was happy.

Naturally, we vowed never to let that happen again.

To encourage the appearance of employee involvement, every department has been equipped with a state-of-the-art Employee Suggestion Box. This attractive steel container gives employees the comforting illusion that management values their opinions while ensuring management never has to endure the inconvenience of reading them.

In fact, the box isn't actually a box at all.

It's a shredder.

This revolutionary design eliminates unnecessary paperwork before it has the opportunity to create positive change.

Some employees have questioned why they never receive a response after submitting suggestions.

Simple.

Silence means your idea has been successfully processed.

Employees occasionally ask if we have ever implemented one of their suggestions.

Absolutely.

One employee once suggested installing a bigger shredder because the old one kept jamming.

Management immediately approved the purchase.

We believe in rewarding ideas that support the existing system.

To further promote innovation, every quarter we hold our "Voice of the Employee" meeting.

During this exciting event, executives remind everyone that fresh ideas are welcome, followed by a forty-minute presentation explaining why change is dangerous, expensive, and probably someone else's responsibility.

Employees are then invited to share additional suggestions.

These are written on sticky notes and ceremoniously placed into the shredder while everyone applauds.

Participation has never been higher.

We've also introduced our annual Suggestion Excellence Awards.

The categories include:

• Most Thoroughly Ignored Suggestion
• Best Idea That Threatened Management's Comfort
• Most Creative Way to Save the Company Money That We Refused to Consider
• Lifetime Achievement Award for Suggesting the Same Thing Every Year Since 2012

Winners receive a handsome certificate thanking them for their passion, along with the opportunity to submit even more suggestions that will never be acknowledged.

Our Human Resources department has reported tremendous improvements in employee engagement.

Specifically, employees have stopped making suggestions altogether.

This remarkable achievement has reduced paperwork by 97%, eliminated uncomfortable conversations, and significantly increased executive confidence.

Here at PsychotiCorp, we don't measure success by innovation.

We measure success by how little has changed since last quarter.

Remember...

At PsychotiCorp, every employee has a voice.

We just make sure it never reaches management.

 

Dr Psychotic
Fearless Leader of PsychotiCorp