PsychotiCorp Announces the Formation of the Official Office Rumor Committee

 

At PsychotiCorp, we understand that rumors are an essential part of every successful workplace. Unfortunately, until now, they have been spreading in a completely disorganized manner. Employees have been making things up independently, creating conflicting stories, and wasting valuable work time trying to determine which rumors are completely false and which are only mostly false.

To solve this growing problem, we are proud to announce the creation of the Official Office Rumor Committee (OORC).

The committee's mission is simple: ensure that all workplace rumors meet the high standards of quality and consistency that PsychotiCorp employees have come to expect.

Rather than allowing random speculation to spread naturally, every rumor will now be professionally developed, reviewed, approved, and strategically distributed throughout the company.

For example:

• "Well, we heard the entire accounting department is being replaced by squirrels."
• "Well, we heard management is considering replacing chairs with standing because sitting creates unrealistic expectations of comfort."
• "Well, we heard the coffee budget was eliminated because employees were becoming too alert."

Whether these rumors are true is completely irrelevant. What matters is that everyone hears the same version.

The committee has also developed an official rumor approval process.

Step 1: Someone overhears half of a conversation.

Step 2: Important details are removed.

Step 3: Several dramatic assumptions are added.

Step 4: The story is repeated to twelve coworkers before lunch.

Step 5: Management denies everything in an email, thereby confirming to everyone that it must be true.

To maintain the highest standards, employees are encouraged to rate rumors based on three important criteria:

• Panic Potential
• Believability Despite Zero Evidence
• Ability to Distract Everyone From Actually Working

The highest-rated rumors will receive the coveted Golden Stapler Award for Excellence in Speculation.

Naturally, Human Resources has expressed concerns about the program.

Fortunately, the committee has already started a rumor that HR fully supports it.

PsychotiCorp management would like to remind everyone that if you hear anything concerning, unusual, or completely ridiculous, please don't spread it yourself.

Report it immediately to the Official Office Rumor Committee so they can spread it properly.

Dr Psychotic
Fearless Leader