Congratulations! You're Now Responsible for Three Other Jobs

 

At PsychotiCorp, we believe in recognizing talent. That's why whenever an employee proves they are competent, dependable, and capable of handling their responsibilities, we reward them with... everyone else's responsibilities too.

Some companies give raises.

Some give promotions.

We give additional job titles.

Congratulations!

You've been selected to become Assistant Regional Inventory Specialist, Temporary Shipping Coordinator, Backup IT Technician, Emergency Coffee Monitor, and Acting Director of Things Nobody Else Wants to Do.

No, your paycheck won't change. But think of all the valuable experience you'll gain while quietly questioning your life choices.

Our management philosophy is simple: if one employee can successfully do their own job, they can probably do three more.

After all, why hire another person when Steve in Receiving once fixed the printer in 2022?

We call this "maximizing human potential."

Steve calls it "Tuesday."

Naturally, every new responsibility is described as a "great opportunity." Opportunities are wonderful because they apparently don't require overtime pay.

You'll also hear encouraging phrases like:

• "You're our go-to person."
• "We really trust you."
• "Nobody else can do this as well as you."
• "We're all a family here."

Translation: everyone else has mysteriously disappeared whenever extra work appears.

Eventually, your daily schedule resembles a circus act. You're answering emails while unloading trucks, training a new employee, troubleshooting a computer, attending a mandatory meeting, and trying to remember what your original job actually was.

Your manager notices your growing stress and immediately responds by assigning you to the Workplace Wellness Committee.

At PsychotiCorp, we believe burnout is simply another word for commitment.

So, on behalf of upper management, we'd like to thank you for your flexibility, dedication, adaptability, positive attitude, and willingness to absorb the workload of three former employees.

As a token of our appreciation, we've printed you a certificate that says "Team Player."

Please pick it up after you've finished everyone else's work.

Dr Psychotic
Fearless Leader of PsychotiCorp