At PsychotiCorp, we believe every employee deserves equal opportunity.
Some employees simply require more equality than others.
Take our valued employee, Kevin Slowers.
Kevin has proudly arrived late to work every single day for the past six years. While lesser organizations might consider this a performance issue, we recognized something much more important.
Consistency.
Being late every day demonstrates commitment to a routine.
Rather than expecting Kevin to make unreasonable lifestyle changes, PsychotiCorp has chosen the more compassionate approach: changing reality to fit Kevin.
Our Employee Accommodation Program now includes the following enhancements.
Executive Parking Privileges
Kevin now has a reserved parking space directly beside the front entrance.
We briefly considered allowing him to park inside the lobby, but Human Resources said that was "a fire code violation."
We're currently appealing.
Customized Time Zone
Kevin's company-issued watch automatically runs one hour behind everyone else's.
His computer, phone, office clock, microwave, and coffee maker have also been synchronized to Kevin Standard Time.
Personalized Meeting Schedule
Whenever a meeting is scheduled for 10:00 AM, Kevin receives an invitation stating it begins at 11:00.
If he still arrives late, everyone simply restarts the meeting from the beginning.
Several departments have presented the same quarterly report nine times.
Traffic Reduction Initiative
Security now temporarily stops employees from entering the parking lot until Kevin arrives.
This creates the comforting illusion that everyone else is just getting there too.
Coffee Preservation Program
Fresh coffee is brewed every twenty minutes until Kevin finally walks through the door.
Employees are encouraged not to drink it beforehand because Kevin deserves to experience that "first pot of the morning" feeling.
Delayed Business Hours
To avoid placing unnecessary pressure on Kevin, company business officially begins only after he arrives.
Customers have been informed that opening hours are now "approximately."
Alarm Clock Support Team
A dedicated three-person committee now calls Kevin every morning.
If he doesn't answer, one employee drives to his house to ring the doorbell while another starts his car so it can warm up.
A third simply offers emotional encouragement.
Elevator Priority
The elevator has been reprogrammed to remain on the first floor until Kevin arrives.
Everyone else is encouraged to use the stairs to promote workplace wellness.
Performance Recognition
Kevin recently received the company's prestigious Outstanding Achievement in Time Management Adaptation Award.
Not because he improved.
Because everyone else did.
The Official Company Policy
Some critics have asked why PsychotiCorp doesn't simply expect Kevin to arrive on time.
The answer is simple.
Changing one employee would be difficult.
Changing the entire company is much easier.
At PsychotiCorp, we don't solve problems.
We reorganize the universe around them.
Dr Psychotic
Fearless Leader of PsychotiCorp
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